in search of the truth...


Letters to a friend...-

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Dekho chhorke kis raste woh jaathe hain,
Saare raste wapas mere dil ko aathe hain... favourite song in 'Taal'.

Monday, March 28, 2005


Watched the movie Taal for the first time on an APSRTC bus when travelling from Bangalore to Hyderabad (a long, long time after it was released in the theatres though)

Still remember the episode distinctly, it was in between Second semester exams and there was a three day break before the exam and I desperately wanted to get back to Hyderabad. So after the exam got over that day at around 2:30 pm , spent three to four hours convincing myself that being irrational is sometimes rational... then had to convince home and around 7:30 pm, managed to get a ticket to Hyderabad for Rs 330 (the usual cost was around Rs 230).

And then they put on Taal as the bus speeded through the moonlit highway. The acting and story was so-so in the beginning, in fact I decided to switch off initally and try and get whatever sleep I could manage.

But somewhere in the movie, I don't remember distinctly though, Akshaye Khanna, the hero, adopted a stance for which I have always had the highest regard, though the context is completely different. When asked to forget about Aishwarya Rai by his father, he says something like ... I will not disobey you, but if I am true to myself and if my love is true then she will come... and the same dialogue repeats many times, when Anil Kapoor confronts Akshaye Khanna, when Aishwarya Rai meets him and so on ... and the best part, is as expected, Aishwarya Rai reverts to Akshaye Khanna in the end.

The details of that love story are irrelevant and off the point, what I admired was this basic concept which Akshaye Khanna propounded...

"by changing myself, I can change the world. I cannot control the world, but can control myself...if I am honest and true to myself, the people and environment around have to respond"

This is in large measure the core of what Gandhiji also proposed and I've watched parts of Taal quite a few times later to just savour those scenes wherein Akshaye Khanna expresses this faith and sticks to it despite all odds and is finally validated.

The real world many a times atleast apparently doesn't function this way but I still like to hold fast to certain ideals and this is one of them ... I can change the world by changing myself ... it might take time but it has to happen ...

Sunday, March 27, 2005

And the period that I hate most has finally arrived...

Hate exams of this kind that students normally have to undergo throughout their academic career.

Those three hours are not a reflection of my intelligence or understanding of the subject. It just shows how well I have put in that answer sheet what the examiner wants as answers to those questions in the limited time.

Have written many exams...done well in many...not done well in some...yet I think my aversion to exams is something which will stay all my life.

The exam system was created to measure abilities and understanding of the subject, now it just the other way round, understanding and ability of the subject is modified to maximise performance in exams. In this rat race for grades and CGs, we have forgotten that exams are an approximate, probably incorrect measure.

And that's fine since all around too people have forgotten the true purpose, either deliberately or inadvertantly. We celebrate those CGs, companies adore those CGs, peers hold those CGs in awe, professors give you tips to maximise those fact for the last week, after that QAM thing happened, all that I've been trying to do is understand what the Prof. wants, otherwise however elegant your solution is, it's worth a big zero...and I can't help pity myself for what I've been doing.

Sometimes, I have considered giving up this system of education altogether, it is not worth the two decades of my effort. But now into my post-graduation degree, I have already adhered - albeit with a lot of loathing - to it for long enough.

Yet in my own way, wherever possible I've tried to reform this mess and that is what the aim will be throughout.

Whenever an interviewer starts with "Oh you must be highly intelligent, you've topped ICSE in 10th, 12th, topped College, won this scholarship, that fellowship etc. etc.",
my answer is the same:
"They are not be a reflection of my abilities, they just show that in that limited time, under those given conditions I was able to produce what the examiner wanted...that's all."
and the reason is the same for those so-called failures in certain exams.
...yet I cannot deny that sometimes I too get carried away.

Every system gets what it deserves; better or worse, the system will reject it, no matter how charismatic the way in which it is imposed.

We have embraced this exam system, we have no right to blame its products...

Saturday, March 26, 2005

But why do we celebrate festivals?

But why do we celebrate the festival...
For the joy of community... gaiety's arrival,
Burial of old hatchets, embrace the rival,
Consecration of spirits, exaltation at survival.

Is that why we celebrate the festival...?

Aren't these the maxims that must inspire humdrum life as well,
Then why limit their practice to these festive occasions alone,
Can't we treat festival as life ... mundane life as a festival,
Every moment of living joyous riot, limited not to these festivities alone.


Happy Holi!!!

Friday, March 25, 2005

You will be there for me, won't you?

When lost in life's tenuous maze,
Alone, forelorn and defeated,
Gagged and blinded, confused in haze,
You will be there for me, won't you?

When subsumed in ignominy of failure,
Ostracized by men of the world,
Beyond all balm, beyond all cure,
You will be there for me, won't you?

When drained hollow by aspirations of life,
Enervated, enfeebled and effete,
Barren and infecund, only dissipation rife,
You will be there for me, won't you?

You will be there for me, won't you...
The person who truly loves you
loves you for your differences,
not inspite of them.
It's almost morning now ... the sun will rise by the time I reach my room from the CC... a night- out trying to figure out intricacies of SPSS and trying to make sense of that heap of questionnaires we've collected.

But for the joy of witnessing a sunrise any trouble is worth taking :-)

Thursday, March 24, 2005

And they are being returned without any change.

Everybody silently acknowledges that the solutions are right, but nobody will stick his/her head might rock the happy world to reality.

If those entrusted with setting examples are not willing to do so, can you trust that system?

Maybe many can...coz most want to become like those best of luck to them.

But a system created on hollow is bound to collapse...collapse it will.

But till it collapses completely many innocent within the system will suffer... who assuages them?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

To not to go to Switzerland!

Got the invitation for the next World Mediation Forum all probability will not be able to attend it...anyway getting the invite feels good.

And come to think of it, that plenary speech at the APMF conference-2001 at University of South Australia, Adelaide...I wasn't even sure whether the travel plans would work out...and then the Steering Council membership...becoming it's secretary... etc. etc., it's been a long way...

Those eyes and the unspoken words they speak...

Those eyes and the unspoken words they speak...

The strength of character within, yet the the humility without,
The ravages of unfair times yet hopes of the future sprout,
The depths of turmoil yet tranquility in those twin seas,
The will to tread on unfamiliar roads...fight on without the yielding please,

Those eyes and the unspoken words they speak...

The volition to stand up for values, damning consequences effete contemplate,
The intensity of love and tenderness...infinite patience to wait,
The endless inquisitiveness those twin universes can't help belie,
A constant for that unanswered why...

Those two eyes, what do they seek,
Unspoken words, to whom do they speak?

Island universes

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies -- all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.

--Aldous Huxley


If you can see the negatives without being cynical,
And discern the positives without being sycophantic...

You'll be a Man, my son!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


Why, when trying to feel music do I discern noise?

Why, when trying to feel freshness do I smell rust?

Why, when trying to understand, do I only feel the superficiality of frameworks?

Why, when trying to note down pearls of wisdom in class, all that I end up jotting are structures professors adocate as right, without which those mark will not happen in the exams?

Why, when trying to study just for the joy of figuring things out, do I get trapped in the conundrum of marks?

Why, when trying to perceive the real in the class, all that I see is the make-up of reel talk?

Why does the laughter at those jokes originate at my lips and not my heart?

Why does the hollowness of it hit me deeper and deeper with every passing day?

Why can't I just look the other way and move on happily ahead like most others without caring a damn about what goes on around?

Why am I able to see through those superficial veneers of packaged people, events and situations?

Why don't I get an answer to my 'whys' ?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Miles to go...

When exhausted famished, labour even to think,
And sleep beckons thee to its luxuriated sink...

Yet miles remain to thy goal ahead,
On the road less travelled by...miles to tread,
Solitary, silent you walk ahead,
Solitary miles you silently tread,
The road your friend, the road your bed,
The road your love, the road your bread,

Miles gone by... miles ahead
Solitary miles you silently tread...

You are The Flow

When the claw of Chance smashes you hollow,
And swathes of arbitrariness inescapably follow,
Attempts to browbeat you to the despaired wallow,
The innumerable indignities you quietly swallow...

Yet holding your head up higher after each blow,
Down the stream of resplendent glory you silently row,
To keep your date with yourself...that unspoken vow,
Lost in the my friend, You are The Flow.

fearless as the Gladiator

I stand fearless as the Gladiator,
In the middle of the arena,
As beasts and fellow beings try to mangle me,
Crush me to pieces,
Body... body is all they can attack,
My spirit and soul fearless...

Fighting fearless at the centre of the Colosseum,
Fighting for dignity and truth,
Fighting my kind for my kind...

My spirit and soul fearless,
As a million claps reverbate,
And yet I hear none,
As a million cheers rant in the fragrant air,
And yet I hear none,
As a million cries of bravado reach their crescendo,
And yet I hear none...

As I fight fearless at the centre of the Colosseum,
Fighting for dignity and truth,
Fearless in body, mind and spirit...

What can I do but fight?

What can I do but fight...
Without a fear, Supressing the tear,
What can I do but fight...
Without an expectation, Ignoring all privation,
What can I do but fight...

That window of hope, holding on to that rope,

As I fight,
Fight for freedom of mine and my kind...

Freedom to be FREE...

I need Freedom,
To learn, love, laugh and cry,
To keep asking the unfathomable why,

Freedom from fear of failure and humdrum survival's anxiety,
Freedom from rules, laws and their incomprehensible variety,

I need Freedom to be FREE...

Beyond the horizon

Beyond the horizon,
Out there in the beautiful world,

There is hope, truth and honesty,
Liberty, equality and fairness,
Love, caring and peace,
Knowledge-seeking for joy, not subsistence,
And the purpose of existence has been fathomed...

Out there in my Utopia,
Beyond the horizon.
The transformation to the Gladiator... slowly but surely...

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Why do last benches get filled up first?

Why is it that in classes, last benches get filled up first? It's not true only in certain schools or colleges or in certain countries. As Prof. Vaidyanathan was saying, across the world, from Wharton and Kellogg to IIMB and IIML, the scenario is the same.

And he had a nice explanation for it.

In cinema halls the last benches are craved a cinema you don't identify yourself fully with what goes on on the screen; there is a certain distance between the reel and real and though sometimes you might be carried away, more often than not you're aware of it.
That's true of learning in these classes, you sit in the last benches beacuse, though once in a while you might get swayed, more often than not you know the difference between the 'reel' classes and 'real' life.

In a theatre, you always want to take up the first few rows. Traditionally, people have always identified with real people and their dramas and thus feel the connect, hence this desire to occupy the first few rows.

Was thinking about this....I think it is true...the disconnect between the reel and real keeps getting starker day after day and thus the fight for the last bench keeps getting more intense with every passing day.

Friday, March 18, 2005

A short swar-lipi composition in raag Kafi

Teen-Taal ( ga and ni when used are komal)


sa sa re re ga ga ma ma pa - - ma pa dha ni sa
ni dha pa ma ga ga re re re pa ma pa ma ga re sa
sa sa re re ga ga ma ma pa - - ma pa dha ni sa


ma ma pa dha ni ni sa - re ga re sa ni dha ni -
dha dha pa pa pa dha pa ma pa - - ma pa dha ni sa
ni dha pa ma ga ga re re re pa ma pa ma ga re sa

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Coming back to life...comment option is back

...coming back to life or whatever this is gradually, atleast externally...

but the equation has undergone change to reflect the experience of last few days...

and we are asking for something we deserve, it's there in b&w for anyone to see...


The comment option is now back again...


When can I start learning for the sake of learning,
Unhampered by the framework of marks,

Reading for the joy of knowledge,
Unhindered by con-grading sharks,

Maths for the sheer poetry in it,
Free from score-crazy barks,

Living for the fun of figuring things out,
...fighting fear of the darks.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

If you stick your head out, it might be get cut,
but that's the only way to feel the free fresh air.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Comment option removed

Am removing the comment option...they are not required in the current context...will put it back maybe sometime in the future.

It's difficult for anybody else to understand what's going on in within me currently and I understand and appreciate that.
And I am told that it hardly matters, he is known for such arbitness, my scores will hardly suffer...

But that's not the point...I will have continue for another year in a system which I cannot trust...
Everything will become hollow if I cannot trust...hollow, pure hollow, those jokes, those classes, those marks, those placements, those everything...all hollow...
Till yesterday, could not imagine, even in dreams, that I could be staring at D or F in a favourite subject like QAM where my understanding is so clear; that too for the most arbit of reasons (writing on the random no. sheet, drawing the the table once instead of drawing it twice etc.) ...yet today I am there.

When other batch mates were facing this arbitrariness earlier did not do much beyond signing a few petitions...should have shouted out right then...but it didn't affect me enough I guess and over here this inner thing has been fighting a battle for survival. Anyway....

Will fight this thing out till its logical end, maybe it'll make no difference, but atleast some people will know and I'll have answered my conscience.

Pastor Martin Niemöller, Nazi victim

They came for the communists, and I did not speak up because I wasn't a communist;

They came for the socialists, and I did not speak up because I was not a socialist;

They came for the union leaders, and I did not speak up because I wasn't a union leader;

They came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak up for me ....
I got a 5 ; everyhting is right (what was there to do in that quiz problem anyway).
Just that I did all the calculations on the Random Number sheet and wrote the final answer on the sheet. Am staring at a D or F probably (in QAM of all subjects)

Am tired of this place.

All alone in this system...what do I fight, how do I fight and how long...I'm losing faith in the system.

Want to leave... but have nowhere to go.

Thu hain yaheen...

Thu hai khayalon mein,
Yaadon mein baaton mein,
Gum hai kaheen,
Par thu hai yaheen...

Shabnami raaton mein,
Hardam ki baaton mein,
Gum hai kaheen,
Par thu hain yaheen...

Monday, March 14, 2005


When lost in uncertainty immense, cannot a mask of certainty wear,
When steeped in doubt I, cannot a visage of reassurane bear,
When certain of the vicissitudes about, cannot answer a sanguine prayer,
When blinded by the darkness ahead, leading thee my friend...cannot dare.

Yet in uncertain certainties of endless moments,
Together the road shall we find,
Clear the chapparal together,
Together in this ceaseless grind,
One in spirit, one at heart,
Fighting the darkness around...a beacon to 'certain' blind.

When aspire a dream you may not achieve

When aspire a dream you may not achieve
Infinite moments, their uncertain weave,

Risking all...hopes...that bed of ease,
Perennial struggle...the time-cease,
Yet no waver, never a please,
Infinite happiness, absolute peace,
Struggle perennial yet infinite bliss,

Infinite moments, their uncertain weave,
When aspire a dream you may not achieve.

Only poetry, no writing :-)


Looking the world goes its way,
Hordes dancing in indefatigueable sway,
The infinite games of the infinite play,
Hour after after hour, day after day.

Amazed...perplexed I wonder away,
What be the purpose, this infinite play,
Aeons in the past, aeons still to decay,
Hour after hour, day after day.

Why this living, why this sway,
Infinite aspirations, yet co-ordinated play,
Lucky, call myself if I may,
To look on as the world goes its way,
Hour after hour, day after day.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Time for a break

Will take a break from writing the blog...

Time for introspection and understanding...

Couldn't feel the flame for sometime today, it needs to burn steady.

Another hour and a half of sunshine, have a cycle with me, will venture into the villages on the other side today...need to breathe freely...


Who do you really love?

In these times of departure and parting, all hell breaks loose in Cupid's department :-),
come to the hostels and you'd know.

A little dramatisation to enhance the effect but no further details will be divulged :-).

ABC: Yaar, we've got placed in different cities, I dunno what to do.

Yours sincerely (YS) : Kyon?

ABC: I can't imagine staying without her.

YS: Why?

ABC: C'mon yaar, you know how much I love her... without her I'd be depressed and dead. I need to see her everyday to be in my proper frame of mind.

YS : Sorry, by what you say, you love yourself, you are worried about how sad you will be, and about your frame of mind...that is not love for her, that's loving yourself.

(Poor guy's confused and YS takes this opportunity to attack further)

Find the girl you like just for her sake...if this is that girl fine, otherwise you might want to think again...because that's your true love.

(Poor guy is perplexed and perturbed, surely cursing YS in his mind. The no. of hate-lists on which YS exists has gone up by one)


Soona ahsaas hai,
Iss dil ki aas hai,
Theri thalaash hai,
Kahaan hai thu?


Batch Meetings the batch misses at its own peril!!!

Does junta even realise the full implications of this Mark-electives funda. The person interested in a full mark specialisation does not get beyond six elecs.

And those interested in a Mark-minor, they have no chance;
OR these people who would've done a Mark minor earlier will now clog up the arteries by taking more electives than they would've taken otherwise.

And nobody is a fool...

The problem is when important issues are discussed, very few are there to contribute (or those who are there will get swayed by emotions rather than use logic to understand the full implications)
We could've actually vetoed the stuff (as the prez was saying) if there were enough people attending.
As Akshay says, if it were the insti-party, attendance would be 100% but then this is academics related...

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Dr. Jalan's address

Dr. Bimal Jalan was the chief guest at the convocation today. Nice structured speech...let me summarise the key points I gathered before I forget...

Three pillars which decide where a country stands in the comity of nations:
1. Politics
2. Governance and Administration
3. Economics

India has had great politicians, a bureaucratic structure which was the envy of many at the time of its inception, and some very great economists. Yet as a nation we seem to be constantly postponing our tryst with greatness. Why?

We look at new pradigms through old frameworks. There is a significant minority whose interests the old framework serves, this significant minority promotes and ensures this blinkered vision. Recognize the deadweight of past thinking.

Three critical issues to ponder:
1. Constitutional framers not visualisisng the the power and significance of small parties (virtual king maker/breaker currently)

2.Role of Parliament/Legislature:
Last year's budget passed without debate, is this episodic? Do the common citizens even care.
Are we true to the pricniple of "No taxation without representation"

3. Erosion of collective responsibility

1.Clogging of administrative arteries
2. Corrution

Seven suggestions that Dr. Jalan said need reflection:

1. Keep Political authority and civil services at arm's length: We are no longer in Nehru's era when the civil services were conceived.

2. Trust the Citizens: Self-certification

3. Public services need to be outsourced: Govt owns and monitors facilities, the best in the industry delivers

4. The right to information

5. Reform working of Parliament/Legislatures

6. Reform working of Judiciary

7. Draw a line for tolerance of corruption.

His exhortation:

Don't become somnolent with complacency about our future.

Nobody can prevent us from moving ahead because we have immense innate talent.

In an open participative democracy, change can be delayed but not denied.


This looks more like my class-notes and now you know why I get the scores I get :-)

Dekhta hoon apne aap ko

Har roz uthke dekhta hoon apne aap ko,
Dekhta hoon apna shakal aaine mein,

Ki kahin iss din raat ke bhaag dour mein,
Iss aage badhne ki chhahat mein,

Mera rooh kahin peechhe tho na rah gaya.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Says it all

That shake-of-hand says it all,
Says it all that beaming smile,
That soft pat-on-the-back says it all,
Says it all those misty eyes.

My Child the long awaited day has finally come,
To hand over the baton to the chosen few,
The start of a new life for that handful some,
Leading the world to horizons anew.

Don't forget her Song

Senior batch's convocation is tomorrow.

From an earlier post

The occasion is more appropriate now.



My lady has been decked up to send off her children,
Children that she's fended for two years long,
The time to bid adieu has finally arrived,
Succeed in thy endeavours...don't forget her song.

Into the wild wide world, she bids them off,
From the ensconced beauty of her environ so charming,
With the placement they desire, the company they crave,
The delight in their eyes, my lady's heart warming.

Those scared faces she saw, first at the invocation,
And couldn't but help give them her love unbounded,
And finally it's time for the final convocation,
But only adieus and byes remain to be sounded.

Don't forget her love, don't forget her song,
Don't forget her unselfish longing for thee.
Don't forget her song, don't forget her love,
In your success and glory will her salvation be.

Don't become a prisoner of your visiting card/curriculum-vitae.
In trying to keep up with genius you sometimes fall below mediocre.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Gender inequality eh!

Was talking to an old friend (lady) today, two of them shared a flat in Mumbai, working at a big s/w firm and she said that the other had returned to B'lore (with an inferior job) , since they were looking for a groom for her groom in B'lore and she was herself planning a move on the same lines. Another friend (a lady as well) too had been trying to get a transfer to Hyderabad in any possible vacancy because of the same reason. And both these moves were voluntary.

Two guys in that group of friends I have in Mumbai had also moved out, but since the career prospects were better.

And I was back to pondering over that old question, who's responsible this so called gender inequality that many politicians (women especially) never tire from highlighting.

Every so often I am amazed to see the lady set barriers for herself trying to fulfill a norm which does not exist. Seeing marriage as a milestone she will voluntarily abdicate a large portion of what she's made of her life till then. Many will become willing homemakers ... what a prodigious waste of talent. And there is hardly any compulsion on ladies from this class. Why can't she think like an equal...and all those imaginary boundaries will either crash or atleast she will fight to bring them down. And I'm talking about the segment where I mix, all with the best of education and brains, earning 5 figure salaries, travelled far and wide.

And what is this inequality? Treating someone as special is as much inequality, as is treating as an inferior. Reserving seats for the them in buses and trains, special queues at railway stations or reserving constituencies for them in Parliament makes them special but not equal. Why, special recruitment policies to ensure gender equality is as much a slight on their abilities as not recruiting them?

And many of them would argue that this is the best road to their abilities getting recognized and reservations will lead, in the long run, to equality.
(don't think there's any lady reading this blog or there's a possibility that I'd receive a hammering again, they have that weapon, I am a lady, you're a man...what do you know of all this :-)).

But can't help recall an experience in Jena, Germany where I had been for a conference two years back. Jena is in former East-Germany and the invitees included among others, many brilliant students from those parts (both west and east). The dividing line was subtle but palpable. The East Germans felt that the West thought they were a burden that the West-Germans had to bear because of integration...they had received free gifts, they had received special grants for upliftment, how could it be otherwise? Many wouldn't go to the west for their further study (they's go to US rather) for they wouldn't be a burden, a recipient of some special grants given to some Eastern students. Go to Checkpoint Charlie and you'll feel it if you keep talking to people in the shops as you cross the now-largely ornamental border.

The point is if they are not good enough, let them be 'not good enough', don't change it to create equality artificially through reservation, superficially you might create equality for the whole wide world to praise, but deep down in the mind they think they don't deserve it (when probably they do).

It's the same for all kinds of discrimination. The fire has to start within, and that fire will last longest which burns without external fuel. And that is why I feel scared for Afghanistan or Iraq.

Anway I seem to be moving beyond the point I initially set out to write...

I've faced flak many a times for not treating girls specially, for not being chivalrous etc. etc.

But that's my point, if I treat her specially, she's no longer my equal, it is no different from treating her inferiorly. But listening to tales like this (the talk with old friends mentioned earlier in the post), I sometimes actually wonder whether they themselves want this special treatment, this badge of camouflaged inferiority.

Pishi had done her doctorate in those days when ladies in Kolkata hardly left home. But I've heard relatives quote Pishomoshai (himself a great educationist) say....(a rough translation from bangla to english)... Only 5 % girls will think like Indira Gandhi or Marie Curie, the rest will think the same whether they are Class X pass or PhDs.

Always believed this was nonsense, but sometimes when I hear such tales, can't help wonder...

I cry

I cry because I cannot understand...

Cannot understand
The apparent difference in virtue and vice,
And where just a glib smile will suffice,

Nuanced distinctions of ignorance and wise,
Where smooth talk and faked assurance look nice,

I cry because I cannot understand...

Cannot understand
Laboured differences in lie and truth,
Garrulous words and fancy wounds they soothe,

Flaunting ambitions on foundations of hollow,
Leaders empty within but zillion sycophants who follow,

I cry because I cannot understand...

Cannot understand
Superficial flirting for but a moment's bliss,
Fleeting acquaintances of convenience, true camaraderie amiss,

Constant haranguing gifted for honesty and candour,
Yet towers of inexactitude, their hyperbole and grandeur,

I cry because I cannot understand...cannot understand...cannot understand...

But this cloak of oblivion I can no longer wear,
This yoke of ignorance I can no longer bear,
This fabric of fake with bare nails I will tear,
Will bring forth those true gems...those true...those rare.
Redundancy is the mother of all wastes.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

can't help feel the anxiety

Can't help feel the anxiety and agony of friends still alive - the euphemism they use.

Once the mind breaks down, nothing more matters, and this collapse depends less on one's own performance and more on the relative performance.

Know it's not logical ... this shouldn't be, but stand with those crumpling friends out there and the flush of pure human empathy momentarily numbs those logical alcoves.

Two years of learning, all reduced to a display of skill in 5 minutes, in a process often so arbitrary.

zindagi ka daman

Zindagi ke is daman mein,
kuchh nagme, kuchh hazratein,
kuchh gam or do pal ki khushiyan.

Par har wakht wo ahsaas ki samay beeththa ja raha hain,
beeththa ja raha hain...

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

at last!

Have worked out almost all the proofs which I wanted to and it's no longer hocus pocus, or an out of the blue end-solution from the computer :-).

But bet your money on this:

If there's ever any test on anything related to this, I'll still be in a quandary tying to derive the proofs (when the question will be based on some end result trick) or understanding the notation... or some other trivial thing which will wreck the entire thing though I'd know all and more than what is required.

Wish I could study ONLY for the exam (and I'm happy that I can't :-))

tata and goodnight.


Read at your own peril: This is just me talking to myself when my brain isn't working and things aren't going right...thought I'll type it to myself this time for my records.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh....can't, can't, can't be......sorry can't be aaahhhh!

If they can do it, so can I, I don't care I don't know beta and gamma functions, i can figure it out, i have a brain don't I, nope sir I will not go on this way, I'm gonna figure it all out, it HAS TO BECOME CLEAR, THE FUNCTIONS HAVE TO START TALKING TO ME or I won't talk to anyone else.

Nope, will not move from this seat till I've solved it all.

I'm becoming a machine master at just interpreting some machine calculated values ah ah ah ah...where's my brain power gone????
and I claim to love Maths, I'm a shame on myself!!!@!!!!!

damn me!~!!#!!


to get a sample of some problems I'm trying to solve (with almost zilch real knowledge or understanding of the topic, as usual, the foolhardy me :-)).

Monday, March 07, 2005

excerpt from Feynman's speech to the National Academy of Sciences, 1955

For instance, I stand at the seashore, alone, and start to think:

There are the rushing waves mountains of molecules each stupidly minding its own business trillions apart yet forming white surf in unison.

Ages on ages
before any eyes could see
year after year
thunderously pounding the shore as now.

For whom, for what?
On a dead planet
with no life to entertain.

Never at rest, tortured by energy
wasted prodigiously by the sun
poured into space.

A mite makes the sea roar.

Deep in the sea
all molecules repeat
the patterns of one another
till complex new ones are formed.

They make others like themselves
and a new dance starts.

Growing in size and complexity,
living things,masses of atoms,
DNA, protein,
dancing a pattern ever more intricate,
out of the cradle,
onto dry land,
here It is standing:

atoms with consciousness;
matter with curiosity.
Stands at the sea,
wonders at wondering:

a universe of atoms,
an atom in the universe.

free as a flying bird

Far above the ground beneath, as a flying bird.

Beyond the earshot of wails and cries, as a flying bird.

Higher than wavering, flickering aspirations, as a flying bird.

Where prejudice and ego no longer matter, as a flying bird. as a flying bird...

Yet the gravitation of love will not let her free...

How free
is free as a flying bird?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

two English ladies I've given my heart to!

Two ladies I can't live without in the English language (caught ya :-)) :

1. "Why" : Without you my sweetheart, I'd die of ignorance and boredom.

2. "I don't know": Without you my darling, I'd never understand and know.

Stay true to me for life, my loves, and I'll mortgage my heart with you forever and ever and ever...


Saturday, March 05, 2005

5 days of respite but lots to do...

First a good news, I'm able to now log in to the Melton Foundation portal (
again, so I'm back on that international network.

Five days of respite from routine stuff but lots of 'other' stuff to do in them...

Have to finish that number-theory paper that I've been postponing for months now, the abstract and all those notations and typesetting in the format required - it's a pain to do it without latex.
Missed the IT-conf. in San Francisco but got to finish the stuff required for the China conference. (and hope these ppl let me off and I get the visa and other routine stuff reqd. to attend it, and with all this attendance hungama here...!)
Some other essential non-course readings that have been postponed for quite sometime needs to be done...and of course there is some regular stuff as well.

Have to take a short-break from blog writing (don't trust me though :-)).

The campus is all decked up for the placements and though I'm against sprucing up for special occasions,

(went to the HLL interview without the tie, was forced to wear it by the liaisons, but took permission of the interviewer to remove it...or was it that she herself asked me to be more comfortable, kind hearted lady....don't remember exactly :-)).

the campus looks beautiful.


My lady has been decked up to send off her children,
Children that she's fended for two years long,
The time to bid adieu has finally arrived,
Succeed in thy endeavours...don't forget her song.

Into the wild wide world, she bids them off,
From the ensconced beauty of her environ so charming,
With the placement they desire, the company they crave,
The delight in their eyes, my lady's heart warming.

Those scared faces she saw, first at the invocation,
And couldn't but help give them her love unbounded,
And finally it's time for the final convocation,
But only adieus and byes remain to be sounded.

Don't forget her love, don't forget her song,
Don't forget her unselfish longing for thee.
Don't forget her song, don't forget her love,
In your success and glory will her salvation be.

Those fleeting moments...poetry on the canvas of time...

To clear up an apparent contradiction

Lately, I seem to be ranting a lot about ethics while many times in many forums I have openly questioned the sanctity of ethics.
Are the two positions contradictory?
Let me try and clarify...

Whenever I find ethics advocated as something ordained by a big boss sitting in heaven, pre-meditated and pre-decided, I oppose it. Whenever the argument of ethics is forwarded on the basis of incomplete information and probabilistic hearsay, I oppose it. Whenever ethics becomes a millstone, taking away my right to doubt or question, I oppose it...

Because, one needs to explore to advance. To know what is right, one needs to know what is wrong. To move ahead in the real sense, one needs to doubt, to question...

Ethics which flows out of logic is the ethics I try to follow. It cannot be summarised by any simplistic parable. It is not static, but constantly evolving according to the situation and becomes logically apparent on a complete understanding of the variables of the circumstance.

And that is why many a times I'm ethically confused, since I don't have enough information or a clear understanding about the circumstance at hand. And that's the reason sometimes I change my position when new information with regards to the circumstance comes to light.

The Bane of our Current Method of Perception

Ok, while my class slogs (really :-)) at the quiz, I have nothing to do...why not complete the article...

The Bane of our Current Method of Perception
Humans have been conditioned, right since birth, to perceive in patterns. That is, an immediate movement in our thinking faculty, when in contact with a new reality, from the specific to the general. In other words, an immediate classification of the new reality into an already established and previously well-known genus. For instance, on perceiving a moving four-legged object, we would immediately, almost involuntarily, classify it an animal. This has been the method of learning we have been conditioned to over generations, so much so that it is now an instinct in most of us. And instincts are rarely analysed, they are assumed to be the inviolable premises of thought.

What then are the consequences of this instinct we have cultivated over generations, this tendency to think of and classify the new in terms of the old, established, general and known. The most important consequence is obvious...we have lost the ability to recognize anything new. The four-legged object in the previous instance could have been a robot from another galaxy, yet to us it would be an animal. The power to perceive something original as such is lost; the original is original relative or compared to a copy. This is our current thought and this is the result of centuries of science and philosophy.

The movement of evolution, on the other hand, occurs through the perception of the new. The better we evolve into the new and suitable, the better our chances for success. The contradiction, in this principle of evolution and our system of learning as detailed above, is apparent. In fact, evolution as we have come to recognise it, through small mutations, arises due to this deficiency in human perception.

"Since we recognize new reality only in small steps, we evolve in miniscule steps. Evolution through minor mutations is thus a result of our deficiency of perception, our tendency to classify specific new in terms of the perceived general."

An example will be apt for the conclusion. Let us take the case of evolution of the monkey into the human at its current stage of evolution (i.e. the human being in 2005). According to the above theory, the monkey cannot evolve directly into "the human being of 2005" because it cannot in one step perceive this new reality. The monkey can perceive only in stages. It will probably first classify the human being into an animal, then recognize a few superiorities of humans over animals, say our physiological superiority like the erect spine; the next step would be to recognize another set of evolutionary superiorities ...and so on, each such recognition would take thousands of years. Thus, this slow movement of evolution is a result of this wrong method of perception of the monkey, this incapability to perceive the new reality immediately.

And the great irony in life is that we exert our entire lifetime in perfecting within ourselves, this imperfect mode of learning, so that in the next generation, it becomes an even stronger instinct.

Sorry, can't write those rigged quizzes

Sorry, can't write those rigged quizzes; where the question paper is leaked in advance.
Had to first make sure that it was the same paper, then the only option was to submit a blank answer sheet. Why can't he make different papers for different sections? Somehow controlled myself from telling him what was happening (and why Sec-B always gets higher mks than Sec-A)

Of course, people will say I should have turned a blind eye and concentrated on doing my paper sincerely and for this foolish stunt my marks will unnecessarily suffer;
as long as it is in my hands, I will neither indulge nor be associated with anything which I consider unethical;
and marks, I've given up on that non-sensical concept a long time back :-).

As long as it is in my hands...

Friday, March 04, 2005

Personal friendship with bloggers whose blogs I read...

It's been in and out of my head, so let me put it down, this has always been a tricky issue for me.

Reading somebody's "honest" blog gives an insight about an individual which few other mediums can. Most of the time the blogs I read are of people I do not or cannot know personally, not that I select them on that criterion but just that I'm generally lucky on this count. But every once in a while, there is a friend whose blog I suddenly discover, or there is a blogger with whom, due to new circumstances, I'm face to face everyday.

This creates a peculiar situation for me.

First, a mundane problem in the second scenario - I honestly do not know what to talk to that individual. Most friendships start formally with the "hi, hello" stuff till it progresses to deeper levels. But in this case, even without saying hi once I know quite a lot about the the individual, so starting with that formal stuff becomes very hypocritical atleast to me while I just don't know the individual personally enough to talk anything else.

One thing which I make sure is that the individual somehow knows that I read his/her blog (especially those blogs where I don't comment; in fact I've written comments on many blogs just as a way of informing that I'm a reader of the blog.)

Secondly, and more importantly for me, I run into a moral confusion. Even though information on an individual's blog is in the public domain, very few actually read blogs, so more often than not you have some special understanding about the blogger, which most others do not. But morally, are you justified in using whatever insight you might possess till the means is in public knowledge. (Wouldn't you be like those immoral analysts who exploit insider info or analysis info instead of making the knowledge public or helping the markets?)

So how do I respond to this?

I either reduce my friendship with the individual to the most formal; lesser the interaction, lesser is the probability of use/misuse of any insight I might have gained through reading of the blog.
I stop reading his/her blog completely.
It is always a difficult choice when I desire friendship with the person both as a blogger and as a person; I have sometimes foresaken many prospective great friendships for this reason; in other cases the joy of reading those rare pieces of brilliant blog writing.

And sometimes this has led to the most ridiculous and awkward situations for me, when one fine morning I have a completely different perspective of an acquaintance and have nothing to talk to him/her, or some similar queer thing.

It is just that when you're good personal friends with a person, reading or responding on blogs becomes either superficial or sycophantic or otherwise flows into the personal relationship with him/her affecting it, which you don't want to happen.
But if the communication doesn't flow into the personal friendship, the personal friendship itself becomes hollow.

As usual, I don't have an optimal solution to this confusion, probably I think too much...

I know I'm sounding wierd, but for people who've faced these situations (or those (prospective) friends of mine) , I'm sure they would know what I'm talking about.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

great sites

Till I get over my lethargy and find time to create my homepage, I'll keep updating this post as a comprehensive listing of great sites which I come across from time to time:

1. Collected works of Fisher, the great statistician, includes all his papers

2. Universal Library: a great online library hosted by CMU

3. Good maths resource page:

4. Scholarships page

5. Oxford Centre for Industrial and Applied mathematics - PhD page

Pandal and Durga Pujo

The convocation pandal is being constructed on campus.

Pandals mean Durga Pujo to me :-).
Those evenings for rehearsals in Keyes High School, going to the pandal in the Fiat gadi, practicing for the children's drama in the quadrangle which baba would be directing, then waiting till baba and ma finished their rehearsals. And every once in a few days, dinner at Kamat or Nanking. And more often than not some class test coinciding with a rehearsal, the debate in badi on whether we should go or not...why the Fiat breakdowns on the road and ma's worry :-).
Pujo in Hyderabad is magical!!!

One thing about the convocation pandal, the creation of curves out of multiple straight beams, that looks good.


To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live.

Only a person who risks is free.
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so."

- Bertrand Russell

"If I could prove by logic that you would die in five minutes, I should be sorry you were going to die, but my sorrow would be very much mitigated by pleasure in the proof."

- G.H. Hardy to Bertrand Russell

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Speak up when required or hold your breath forever.


Ok, it's back to that favourite old riddle of mine.

I shall do what I shall do irrespective of what anybody else thinks or says. What do I care what other people think.

Take it to the logical extreme, I'm living in "my" own disconnected world and I'm dead for others and all others are dead for me...
...I had tried that...that's the brink...


yet there must be a more optimal solution, has to be...
and I'm still searching....

'papa' Feynman's quote to buttress my sense of utter frustration at these 'names'

"You can know the name of a bird in all the languages of the world, but when you're finished, you'll know absolutely nothing whatever about the bird... So let's look at the bird and see what it's doing -- that's what counts. I learned very early the difference between knowing the name of something and knowing something."

- R. P. Feynman

That's the state with most of these ppl, experts at names of birds, big zero at what it is actually; and sadly, they test your bird-name skills in the exams!!!

hate these 'terms'

Looks like all my time will go off in trying to figure out what they 'call the things' - 'the terms' and 'names' in the various languages that they devise
rather than in understanding the actual thing.

How does it even matter if I say I've rejected a test instead of whatever significance from zero term or whatever; and most of the study time and brain space goes off in trying to keep up with these useless terms and notations.

That's a horrible waste of long as I understand the thing,

SORRY, I don't care about those notations.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Do I take you public?

No blogo-baby, I'm not gonna list you on the bourses yet.

Of course I'm not gonna hold back info about you, but listing on the "friends" stock exchange, sorry.

You're not a publicly held message forum, you're a privately owned blogo-baby.

Besides, your owner has intellectual equity to keep running you profitably forever.

So right now, deliberate external debt or equity infusion is ruled out.


Yo baby, I'm learning fin, am I not :-) !!!

What do I love most?

That which I do not understand; in grappling with it and finally grasping it lies the fun.

That's why life hasn't become dull yet; don't still understand it fully and decoding it is a great thrill.

Danger: My definition of understanding, most often, doesn't match with the global ;-) definition

20 yrs OR 20 X (1 yr)

How many years' of experience do you have?

Twenty years'
twenty X (One Years')

That makes all the difference...

Monday, February 28, 2005

the ACs are on again

The ACs are on again, the wheel is completing its circle.

It's becoming more and more a hollow drudgery within the framework,
but I'm discovering/devising/finding more and more things related to/outside/beyond it,
things that I truly love doing.
Just got to ensure that I stay above the hygiene level within the framework.

If there's one sentence that crystallises the overall experience then that's,

Cut the globe
Get the funda

aafreen aafreen

Ankhen neechee huyee to HAYA baan gayeen
Ankhen oonchee huyee to DUA baan gayeen
Ankhen uth kar jhukeen to ADA baan gayeen
Ankhen jhuk kar utheen to QADAA baan gayeen
Ankhen jin main hain qaid asmaan o zameeeeen
Nargasee Nargaseee, surmayee surmayee.

beautiful play of words -
Aafreen, Aafreen by Nusrat Fateh Ali

A fractal model of governance

With the individual aspirations as the self similarities at the most magnified level,

Each corresponding higher level of organisation can be derived from the individual aspirations mathematically,

The highest level of organisation will simply be the overall fractal figure which will get updated continually as individual aspirations change.

Is this science fiction? No, sir. It can be done, for a start, with small groups. It will not immediately eliminate the need for a physical government but the leaders will atleast know how much of an approximation they are, currently, of the ideal.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

pati, patni aur Woh

After 15 years, "woh" has a chance of freedom from the pati and patni, but will it make her life any better.
With so many rapacious eyes fixated on her...
Let's see what unfolds in the days to come...
Hoping that her dignity is restored.
"If a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

Martin Luther King Jr., at a speech in Detroit, June 23, 1963

Have heard it many times before, but today when on AXN, Blaine (the master illusionist) quoted this phrase when asked why he does these death defying/inviting feats (he had just come out after 62 hrs in an ice cube), once again it struck a chord.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Call of the wild

The sprawling wild, in its full bridal finery,
A sight to behold, a breathtaking scenery.
Crescent moon above, the lighting ephemeral,
Impish stars winking at her, the effect transcendental.

But who are you to wed, to the wilds I indiscreetly muttered,
Shuffling of feet did I hear, yet not a word was uttered.
And the night progressed, resplendence replete,
The hyenas' calls, nuptial melody complete.

Surreptitiously the morning crept, the moon but winked an eye,
My befuddlement was complete, yet somewhere I discerned a bye.
And then I smelt it, the guards had struck the fire,
Naive, naive me! they...they had dressed her for the pyre.

The heavenly wilds, cremated for these gardens they assiduously landscape,
Wild, unstructured flow of brilliance, you have nowhere, nowhere to

Friday, February 25, 2005


You cannot appreciate the beauty of a subject if you dabble on its might make good ppts, get those marks, and win contracts by your superficial talk...but falling in love with the subject, sorry :-).

People find it amazing that I did "Sangeet Visharadh" (that's graduation equivalent from Telugu University) in music to just understand classical music, but guess that's the way I develop my love...scan the depths, appreciate the depths...the surface is irrelevant.
Omnis ars naturae imitatio est.
(All arts is but imitation of nature.)

- Seneca

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Uncertainty Principle in Finance

"One can never know both the ownership of an asset and its value."

( If one knows who owns it then he does not know its value. One only knows its value at the time of sale, i.e. when it is between owners.)

Money cannot be seen, but can only be traced by its effects. Cash flows are just financial probability waves.


They're checking all the comps in the CC for the p'ments, now all comps in the CC will work or hopefully so...when you don't have a computer in your room you have to keep hoping quite often :-).

Kandukondaen Kandukondaen

Those wonderful months in Trivandrum. That afternoon at Cochin, the deserted railway station, reading JK, and then in the evening before the train was to arrive...this song. How strong certain associations are, the song is wonderful (though I don't understand one word of the lyrics), even more because of the associated thought process it initiates:

kaNNaamoochchi aenadaa en kaNNaa
kaNNaamoochchi aenadaa en kaNNaa naan kaNNaadip poruL poaladaa (2)
andha nadhiyin karaiyai naan kaettaen andhak kaatRai niRuththiyum kaettaen (2)
vaan veLiyaik kaettaen vidaiyae illai (2)
iRudhiyil unnaik kaNdaen irudhayap poovil kaNdaen (2)
and it goes on....

Film: Kandukondaen Kandukondaen
Music: A R Rahman

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 near yet so far

Visited Narharpur village after class today, just 20-25 mins by near yet so far. Thanks to Pradhanmantri gram sarak yojna, there's a pucca road from the campus gate to the village. Beautiful terrain...the village school, the open fields, the to go out more often.

As to that ticklish question, which feels better, as usual, I really don't know :-)

Think differently

Love these Apple guys, they gave me Feynman's "think differently" poster and now this little wordplay on their site:

Think differently, Here's to the crazy ones!

Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels

The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.

They’re not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.

They invent. They imagine. They heal.
They explore. They create. They inspire.
They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.

While some see them as the crazy ones,
we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world,
are the ones who do.

buzzing in my head!

Two other songs buzzing in my head right since mid term,

Rabbi Shergill's 'Bulla Ki Jaana Main Kaun'

A rough english translation I got on the net:

Bulla Ki Jaana Maen Kaun
Says Bulla,who knows who I am!
I am not in the mosque of the believer,
Nor in false rites.
I am not in the pure or the impure.

Neither Moses nor Pharaoh.
Says Bulla, who knows who I am!
I am not in the vedas or holy books,
Not in drug or wine.
Not in the drunkards wasted intoxication,
Not in wakefulness or sleep.
Says Bulla, who knows who I am!

I am not in sorrow nor in joy,
Neither in clean nor unclean.
I am not water, I am not earth,
I am not fire, I am not air.
Says Bulla, who knows who I am!

I am not from Arabia or Lahore,
Nor from India or Nagaur.
Neither a hindu or muslim from Peshawar,
Nor do I live in Nadaun.
Says Bulla, who knows who I am!

I cannot be unearthed in the mysteries of religion.
I was not born of Adam and Eve.
I am not the name I assume.
I am not in stillness, not in movement.
Finally, I only know myself.I cannot know any other.
Who could be wiser than I?
Bulla asks, who then, stands here?
Says Bulla, who knows who I am!

The second one's Papa Roach's

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
SuffocationNo breathing
Don’t give a -- if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I’ve reached my last resort
SuffocationNo breathing
Don’t give a -- if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be rightIf I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I’m contemplating suicide

Cuz I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine

Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

Cuz I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright Nothing is fine
I’m running and
I’m crying I’m crying I’m crying I’m crying I’m crying
I can’t go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces (and repeat of the entire thing)

ami chini go chini

Have been humming this Rabindra shongeet for quite sometime, don't have the casette here or ma to sing it :-(

Ami chini go chini tomare ogo bideshini
Tumi thako shindhu tore ogo bideshini

Tomay dekhechi shorode prate
Tomay dekhechi madhabi rate
Tomay dekhechi...
Hridi majhare
Ogo bideshini.

Ami akashe pathiya kaan
Shunechi shunechi tomari gaan
Ami tomare shopechi praan
Ogo bideshini.

Bhubano bhromiya sheshe
Ami eshechi nutano deshe
Ami otithi tomari daare
Ogo bideshini.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

wokay :-)

wokay, enuff of this stuff... i'm comin back to life :-)

I wonder why I wonder why.
I wonder why I wonder.
I wonder why I wonder why I wonder why I wonder!

- crazy guy, Richard P. Feynman :-)

Coming back to life!!!

Almost shot off a draft of this that day to Prof. Chakraborty, wonder what would have happended then :-)


...we reject tyranny and wrong at every stage, now what is tyranny or what is wrong, isn't it authority without reason; isn't it an action for which you do not know the explanation, hence you regard it as wrong; or isn't it an action for which you have a different explanation.

I reject the law of cause and effect. Because being limited by any law makes me a machine and I shall not accept being a machine. Working industriously and practicing day and night, anybody would do well. But what has he done? He has given another proof of his being an obedient machine, an obedient servant of the law. And look around, you will find all these doctrines and philosophies that even rationalize this pernicious attitude. Seers keep saying that we must work without expecting the result. And what does it express? A rationalizing of something which we have foolishly assumed we cannot change. Anyway, since I do not have control over the result, I create a philosophy to keep me happy with putting in the effort - doesn't it sound similar to the intelligent tricks used by the Westerners to justify slavery to their countrymen.

What I do not understand in people is simply this. Most seem to have an ego and prestige, and rightly so, and feel hurt and rebel when it is rubbed the wrong way. Now in case of these so-called LAWS of nature, these same men and women voluntarily accept being a machine, in fact being a machine is glorified. Just because everything is subtle and invisible, people seem to either not understand or voluntarily stay oblivious.

Isn't this what you call living, like Pavlov's dog experiment or any other lab experiment involving rats. You shall be provided food only if you jump three times and I ring the bell. You shall succeed in the test only if you work hard day and night. Don't these two sermons sound the same? And will you give credit to the dog that jumps three times or to another which can boldly reject these foolish tricks. The same is the case with all of us, this is how we've all been brought up and conditioned, and it is these qualities of dumb machines, which we praise and want to cultivate. We're worse off than those dogs in the experiments probably.

And this is where I reject the so-called great men. You meditate or practice and realize something, but that is again following THE LAW, being a super machine. After meditating and practicing for years probably you become a perfect machine capable of being deluded into believing anything which is indoctrinated into you for years.The same effect can be obtained by drugs. But we intelligent humans reject drugs as bad for health and praise this voluntary meditational or practice induced drugging. If it was truth that they realized, it would happen at once, then and there, and would not require the delusion of years of practice.

Am I a beggar to wait for the understanding for years till THE LAW decides I have worked hard enough to deserve it? And what would you do if forced to live in a company of baboons and monkeys. Suppose the law of that particular jungle said, the more baboon like you behave, the better chance you have of becoming the baboon king. Would you then become a super baboon so as to change the baboon society when you became king? Would you have the moral authority to ask people to change the same clauses that you have cleverly manipulated to rise? You cannot change the society unless you have the position; but if and only if I can rise without using any of the devices which I shall in the future reject, can such a rise be accepted.

And now again, all these conclusions are based on certain assumptions and premises of the world around me, if these assumptions were to change then, in effect, many of the conclusions would change too. Thus it is necessary to be doubly sure of these assumptions. Hence my interest in studying various subjects and fields from sociology to quantum physics and my frequent digressions, perceived sometimes as volatile aspirations. I am always looking for something specific in a specific subject and I neither have the time nor energy for these titled courses or grades at which super-machines excel.

All of us need to change, the faster we change the better it is till we find our goal. I do not claim to have found the truth, hence I am moving as fast as I can, nor have most of the 6+ billion men and women, thus they too need to change, if only they realise it. All that I claim to comprehend are some basic fallacies in the way we are, which we all need to undertand and if convinced, immediately reject.

Oblivious, or nearly so!

The incessant chatter, pointless patter,
Stripped of any matter;

As I sit oblivious, or nearly so...

Beneath the veneer, concepts unclear,
Yet a seer;

As I sit oblivious, or nearly so...

Learning for the grade, despite what's hypocritically said,
Ehics, long buried and dead;

As I sit oblivious, or nearly so...

One hell of a joke, sessions going up in smoke,
Surviving the bloke;

As I sit oblivious, or nearly so...

I don't care, for these role-models they prepare,
Yet a thought, cannot help spare,
As I sit oblivious, or nearly so.

Complex Reality

Most enquiries into reality, rather expositions of such, suffer from a common flaw. The thoroughly esoteric garb in which these expositions are ensconced make them unintelligible to most, ironically the class which these expositions seeks to elevate. By expositions are referred not only philosophic treatises, but tomes on science as well - the expressions in advanced texts of science are so Hebrew like in their first appearance that this important field of human endeavour is confined to a few brave hearted. The religious texts have developed over the centuries, a certain distinct style of communicating to the masses - through analogies. But the drawback, in fact the most damning result of this development is that all religious texts in common circulation have now been reduced to a body of analogies. Analogies were developed initially, as a bridge; the bridge before the mind is ready to receive more complex precepts. Yet over time, the bridge became the destination. On the other hand, science still retains a certain core, yet too esoteric for common apprehension. Our only brush with this science is through technology or rather the applications of technology. Thus, just as religion has reduced to customs and blind beliefs, science has reduced to technology and applications of technology. The core of both science and religion remains beyond the reach of uninitiated majority.

The immediate pertinent enquiry which follows is that why is science or religion so complex, so as to defy ordinary comprehension. It this question that shall be briefly dealt with in this article.

Firstly, there is unanimous affirmation that the world we live in is complex beyond ordinary comprehension; modern society's labyrinthine growth defies easy understanding. Now what in its basic core is science or religion - an attempt to explain, in simplified form, this complex rebus in which we find ourselves. And this sentence succinctly summarises the entire problem.
Any simplification is necessarily an approximation. But the more we try to eliminate approximation - the endeavour of modern science - the closer the theory is to complex reality. The ultimate or final theory is reality itself. The entire movement of science is analogous to the following example.

Suppose I want to comprehend the working of a tree. The first step might be to draw a pencil figure. But this is the brutest of models; most predictions on this model are bound to fail. So, the movement to the next sophisticated model, say a computer-simulated model of the tree. Notice that the model is much closer to reality, consequently it is much more complex involves features beyond ordinary comprehension. Let this progression continue...where does it end? At the real tree itself, the final theory is no model or simulation, it is reality itself. The entire movement is like in a circle which begins and ends at the real object. Consequently the entire movement of science is from incomprehensible complexity to extreme simplicity and gradually back to that same complexity. It is a circle.

Scientists will argue that once a principle or law is known - the rest are only manifestations of that law. Our goal, they say, is to discover this corpus of laws, no doubt within the limits permissible under the Principle of Uncertainty. But here again is another basic flaw, I believe, in the approach of the men of science, a flaw which science itself is realising through the discovery of the theory of chaos. Within the broadest approximations exist the most general laws.....the more the approximations are eliminated, the more specific become the laws.....the law which explains everything is reality. An example would help clarify this proposition. Suppose our currency were only rupees and paisas did not exist. In such a case, 1.1 would be the same as 1.2 which would be the same as 1.112 and so on. All goods priced within 1 and 2 would be either 1 or 2. This is an approximation, but when I'm dealing with millions of rupees these trifles (paisas) hardly matter. So my satisfactory theory would deal with only rupees. Now suppose, I deal in goods in the price range of 1 to 2. It becomes necessary to introduce paisas. Again in the next stage, if I deal in goods between 1 to 1.01, it becomes necessary to introduce a further denomination........this process goes on. To get the actual price of the good, I need a system that incorporates infinite divisions, that is reality.

In the early mechanical world we were dealing in rupees, Newton's theories was the denomination. The discovery of light was like the move to deal with goods between rupees 1 and 2. And Einstein's theory was the next progression and after nearly a century of relativity, we have started dealing with goods in the range of 1 to 1.1 and we have the beginnings of the chaos theory. This progression shall go on till the ultimate theory - reality.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Silence...they don't understand, do they?

When with the best of friends or no friends at all,
you are my refuge, Silence;
they don't understand, do they?

When lost in thoughts or in no thought at all,
you are my refuge, Silence;
they don't understand, do they?

When laughing in joy or crying alone,
you are my refuge, Silence;
they don't understand, do they?

When flying in triumph or lost in defeat,
you are my refuge, Silence;
they don't understand, do they?

You are my refuge, Silence;
they don't understand, do they?

Another excerpt from my paper...

Another excerpt form my paper titled

In this excerpt, I try to arrive at the ultimate form of government by developing a 'theory of forced associations'.
Many people have confused ultimate alternative as the best alternative possible in the current scenario, but that's not what I meant when I used the term. Ultimate here means the form of government for man in his final stage of evolution whenever that happens, and that need not necessarily happen millions of years henceforth; in small closets and isolated occasions, it has existed right since our evolution, just that the effect seems to be snowballing in recent times.

Why search for the ideal solution now? My belief - only when I know the ideal solution will I realise at which level of approximation I currently stand and thus choose logically from among the various roads available.

-------------------start of the excerpt------------------------------------


Just because a system has been doing reasonably well for sometime, does not mean that credible alternatives do not exist. If the ultimate goal is understood or at least logically proved, it can always help select the correct alternative with proper perspective.

Humans are a constantly evolving species. Humans have been evolving both physically and mentally over time. A form of organization that was good for primal humans might not work today, similarly today’s form might be inadequate tomorrow as humans continue to evolve.

Instinct and Association
One relationship common to all evolved species is the mother-child relationship. Especially, the mother to child affection represents an ideal bond - the absence of any competition, recognition coupled with unconditional love, and absence of any deceit. Such a relationship does not require an arbiter, since one individual respects and recognizes the other. Also, the more evolved the species the more evolved is the mother-child relationship.

The mother to child bonding has been a defining feature of the Homo sapiens ever since it evolved as a distinct species. This love and affection can be attributed to two causes, the first is ‘instinct and hormone’ and the second is ‘forced association’.

Probably during child bearing and later, certain special hormones in mothers create that unconditional love and affection for the child, in common parlance, the maternal instinct.

But there is another reason for this maternal instinct, one that is more relevant to the development of the current hypothesis. A mother is forced to bear her child for nine months; she is forced to take care of her toddler for the first few years of its life till it can stand on its own. During this period of close association, the mother recognizes the qualities and frailties in her child and this develops her love for her child. If an opportunity beckons, she knows when the child must be encouraged and when it must be shielded. On the other hand, in many cases the child does not develop the same kind of affection for the mother since, during the period of forced association, it is not mature enough to recognize her qualities.

Whether such a close association in turn causes the secretion of certain special hormones has to be further researched and is open to debate. Whatever the cause, in most cases, a close association leads to recognition and a perfect relationship, making any authority or external arbitrator redundant.

Theory of Associations
As man has evolved over thousands of years, the number of possible close associations he has/can have over his lifetime has increased steadily and continues to do so. While in primordial man this opportunity was confined to mates or mother-child, the creation of clans and tribes led to a wider circle. Establishment of communities, settlements, city states, kingdoms and nations are all leading to multiple associations among people, inconceivable in an earlier era.

Assuming the mother to child relationship as perfect, these associations are all approximations of that perfect relationship. And the perfect relationship is characterized by the redundancy of any external control or guidance. Even if it is assumed that close association leads to a certain special physical condition (for e.g. secretion of special hormones etc) then such a condition which was true for only mother-child or mates in primal humans is true for a much wider group associated with an individual today.

Our trajectory of evolution and growth has ensured the proliferation of forced close associations. And even assuming a low rate of success, this process is slowly but surely leading to more and more perfect relationships where authority or government is redundant.

A logical extrapolation makes it clear that for humans in their final stage of evolution, this circle of close association will extend to the entire mankind, and any form of government will be redundant and unnecessary. The ultimate form of is no government at all.

Many characterize this possibility, of the absence of a government, as either a fantasy or a dangerous precedent that will destroy organized society. While this is very true of mankind in its current stage of evolution, the proposition is not outrageous for a fully evolved mankind. We are constantly evolving and the number of forced closed associations of an individual during his lifetime is increasing steadily with generations. When all relationships shall approximate perfection, and when the entire mankind is involved in the relationship, any form of government is bound to be redundant.

While increasing associations seems to be Nature’s own way of gently prodding us to the goal, if we could somehow create the effect without the cause, i.e. a perfect relationship from every individual to every other individual on this planet today, all authority and government would instantly become superfluous.

After thousands of years of evolution we see a visible increase in the number of these associations and relationships. Ideal families are institutions, where many individuals exist in harmony. Joint families, as prevalent in Eastern nations have generations of people living in perfect harmony. And many businesses too promote such organization where authority or government is redundant. The information age with its tools like the Internet augur a quantum jump in possible associations.

------this is followed by a discussion of possible roads to the goal-----------

Excerpt from the Conclusion

-------------start of the excerpt from the conclusion----------------------

....But what one must not lose sight of, are the two inevitabilities; that democracy is very gradually but surely self- destructing itself and the society around, and that we are very gradually but surely, being pushed towards a society where any government will be redundant and superfluous. Any attempt to create a bridge between these two states, saving mankind the aeons that Nature has ordained for this evolution through the piecemeal process of forced associations, shall be a welcome development.

------------ end of the excerpt------------------------------------------

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Excerpt from my paper

Selected excerpts from one of my earliest papers titled

written during a college sem-break

Couldn't help recall the hypothesis formulated in it, especially as newer validations unfold every passing day...

.............start of the excerpt...........

The Real Culprit
Democracy reflects the opinion of the majority.
This single sentence summarizes the greatest strength as well as shortcoming of democracy.

While it reflects the opinion of the majority it does not reflect the entire opinion. A democracy does what most of its members think right; in some cases this may be a 51% opinion or a 67% opinion or any such value, which is rarely 100. The logical fallout of this is that the remaining 49% or 33% is constantly striving to create a society where they are in a majority. This is the reason for the friction and fragmentation in societies all round the world. And it this phenomenon that is driving men to discover newer identities - civilizations, cultures or religions are just the means used to establish this elusive majority.

And there is no reason to believe that this break-up of society shall end at the civilization stage, it is just a phase in the process. As soon as a society is established on the basis of a certain common identity, there is a minority whose opinion is trampled upon. This minority in turn will try to create another new identity to obtain that elusive majority. This is a recurring and never ending process. And this shall continue up to the stage of the individual, because no two humans can think alike on all issues and democracy can reflect the opinion of only the majority.

And there is material evidence of this phenomenon everywhere. Indians, united as a civilization have developed new fault lines along every conceivable identity from religion to language to caste to place of origin etc. As soon as Afghanistan obtained freedom from the Taliban regime, there appeared fissures among the various clans and sub-clans. Similar is the case with Iraq or in fact any democratic society in the world, as these democratic societies continue to shrink in size as newer common identities are discovered regularly by the disregarded minorities.

Democracy Promotes Mediocrity
Any idea ahead of its time is seldom understood by the majority who benefit in the long run from the idea. In a democracy such ideas are inevitably outvoted at the first conceivable opportunity. But without these strokes of genius, any society is destined to moribundity. On the other hand, these are strokes of genius only because most men cannot easily conceive these ideas. The dichotomy is evident. Any pure democracy is destined to doom as its creative visions are constantly outvoted by the majority.

Any variation to the above hypothesis, and in fact most of the so-called high points of democracy, have been clever circumventions of democracy. Mahatma Gandhi used his personal popularity to push through far-reaching concepts like Satyagraha etc. which, if open to vote would never see the light of the day. Hitler too circumvented democracy but for diabolic purposes. Though the purposes were different, both represent the clever ingenuity of far-sighted individuals in manipulating democracies. An unadulterated democracy, as is the pronounced goal, is bound to stagnate and degenerate.

Thus, the continual fragmentation along with mediocrity, which is inbuilt in the definition of democracy, guarantee the slow but sure degeneration and ruin of any purely democratic society or organization.

.............continues with my formulation of the ultimate form of govt............


to be able to predict on a longer time scale the corrugations of the shorter term, i.e. for eg. to predict what will happen in a particular week a year in advance, what will happen in a year a century in advance - effectively, to be able to mimic the uncertainties of a shorter time frame in a longer time frame;

what's the entire point if I feed in the uncertainties of the hour into the equation and it predicts an hour ahead, but can't the short term uncertainties be clubbed to give me a long term statistic, just that another dimension increases :-);

trend lines->inherent assumption that long term effect are an aggregation of short term effects, i.e. what remains after the positives cancel the negatives gives the trend, but in most cases isn't the long term cause totally different;

fractal, an interesting step ahead, but why the self similar replication, inherent in nature or just that when you self replicate to levels so many, the differences ought to come down, that's a trick rather than a solution;

what then is the solution...let's see...atleast something intellectually challenging to work on :-)


in the midst of din, the perfect silence;
in the midst of cacaphony, the perfect song;
in the midst of friends, the perfect isolation;
in the midst of wisdom, the perfect ignorance;
in the midst of certainty, the perfect confusion;
in the midst of mirth, the perfect solitude;
in the midst of inebriation, the perfect sobriety;
in the midst of vigour, the perfect lassitude;
in the midst of failure, the perfect success;
in the midst of sleep, the perfect awakening;
in the midst of ruin, the perfect beginning;
in the midst of life, the perfect death.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

ely ing

receptively receiving,
perceptively perceiving,
ah! for that moment... deceptively deceiving!

A Plea

- Ayan Bhattacharya

O Lord, dear Father, O Mighty Supreme,
Lend thy ears to this earnest plea,
Bequeath me, O Consciousness these oft underestimated qualities,
Lift the veil that makes me ignorant of thee.

Diligence, sincerity, fortitude, my pillars of growth,
Shield me from buccaneers and effrontery,
Steadfast to my ideals, dedicated to my principles,
Let me not for a moment waver in my search for thee.

Let not success cause a Nero’s creation,
Neither failure make a Frankenstein of me,
Both my feet placed firmly on earth,
Guide me on the path of effulgence - the path of awareness leading to thee.

Exhilaration from work, not the fruits thereby,
Be my inspiration as I negotiate this torrential sea,
Emphasis on the means, never the ends,
May I never resort to subterfuge, shielded from bigotry.

Stunt my growth if superciliousness foments,
For loftiness I seldom desire,
What is life if not lived for others,
A chance to perceive, to fathom thee before lighting of the pyre.

Stripped of pride, bereft of obduracy,
The stoic soul is for what I crave,
O Creator, create a seeker, the true yogi,
Before the inevitable, before my grave.

Friday, February 18, 2005

The Method of Science

(written May 2004)

The modern method of science is most profound in its simplicity; in fact the beauty of this simplicity is the foundation of its profoundness. Yet is this the most optimal method available to mankind in its quest to unravel nature?

The method of science can be briefly summarised as follows:

1. There is a “reality” whose comprehension has necessitated the creation of sciences, in fact all branches of human knowledge. The “Reality” is fundamental and independent.

2. Then there is a “perceived reality”, the reality as apprehended by the observer. Perceived reality is dependent on the instrument of observation of the observer and is liable to change. In the ideal scenario, as the perfection of observation improves, the “perceived reality” better approximates “reality”, the limiting case is when the observation is perfect and the “perceived reality” is “reality”. At any stage, there is no way for the observer to directly apprehend beyond the “perceived reality”.

3. And finally there are “theories” that are proposed to explain the “reality”. A “theory” is accepted as valid if and only if it explains correctly “perceived reality”. (Thus though theories are proposed to explain “reality”, they are benchmarked against “perceived reality” since at any given time there is no direct contrivance for apprehending beyond it.) Any theory that fails this test is in error.

4. This benchmarking – checking a theory against the “perceived reality” it purports to explain – is the “experiment”, another crucial bedrock of the method of modern science.

Thus, since the yardstick - “perceived reality”- is constantly changing, it is very possible that theories, which were decided as inaccurate or erroneous, might, in time, be proved right and vice-versa. Thus, the measure of the success of a “theory” is its ability to survive improvements and upgrades in the “perceived reality”.

Newton’s ‘Universal Theory of Gravitation’ is a case that helps illuminate the above method. For more than two centuries, the theory was accepted as supreme, since it explained accurately the “perceived reality” of the time. Yet, with time, as the range and perfection of the “perceived reality” improved – the world of the atoms was discovered and extremely accurate celestial data became available – the failings in the theory were exposed. Thus two separate theories – Einstein’s theory of general relativity and the theory of quantum mechanics – replaced Newton’s theories as the de-facto standards explaining the “perceived reality”. The motion of the planets was and will remain the same, it is simply that two centuries ago our measurement of that motion was approximate, so an approximate theory was fine. Who knows, with time, as our capabilities of measurement improve further, what will happen?

wasticious jingles

utterly butterly wasticious,

jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Oh! how dour it is to ride when willing dotards hold the sway.

Thursday, February 17, 2005


The joke called life, you know it's a joke, you know you're being laughed at, yet and yet...

Be a joker and use the joke to get beyond.

The entire human enterprise for that one spark of comprehesion, for that understanding; what can be so illustrious that an experiment so grand be designed; that millions live to just pass on their comprehensions to the generation next forewarning them of the pitfalls; the end result of this great motion, of this gradual sense of perfection in minute steps that we achieve; what be their purpose, the motive that millions live and die and another million come to sing and dance, love and hate, and go on and go on and go on; the musicians entertain, the singers sing, the poets get inspired, we have an entire system to serve the system to serve the system to serve the system and on it goes till maybe you don't know which system you serve; but maybe this is the way, is the way to that comprehension or maybe it is not; the helplessness of not knowing, of having a deadline for your game, death what else but this; and what is the experiment for which we so assiduously serve or no experiment at all; yet then why not clear it is to the millions that what is it for which they drudge, a blinkered memory is a simplistic delusion into which we delude ourselves; yet beautiful it is, the feelings and emotions; can't through these capers the way be found; the simple beauty of understanding, the thrill of understanding, the joy of I move on...move on in search of the truth.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

art or science...inspiration's the same

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.

hmmm the clock's ticking

I was not born knowing and have only some more time left to change things here and there...

hate exams

HATE Exams coz you can't experiment (or can, and get into trouble :-))

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


Friday, February 04, 2005

tat twam asi

monkey man

I'm a monkey man in the monkey crowd...yeh heh!