in search of the truth...




THIS PAGE HAS MY WRITINGS TILL MARCH,2005.
MY WRITINGS SINCE THEN ARE POSTED AT:

Letters to a friend...- http://ayanletters.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

-
Dekho chhorke kis raste woh jaathe hain,
Saare raste wapas mere dil ko aathe hain...

...my favourite song in 'Taal'.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Taal!

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Watched the movie Taal for the first time on an APSRTC bus when travelling from Bangalore to Hyderabad (a long, long time after it was released in the theatres though)

Still remember the episode distinctly, it was in between Second semester exams and there was a three day break before the exam and I desperately wanted to get back to Hyderabad. So after the exam got over that day at around 2:30 pm , spent three to four hours convincing myself that being irrational is sometimes rational... then had to convince home and around 7:30 pm, managed to get a ticket to Hyderabad for Rs 330 (the usual cost was around Rs 230).

And then they put on Taal as the bus speeded through the moonlit highway. The acting and story was so-so in the beginning, in fact I decided to switch off initally and try and get whatever sleep I could manage.

But somewhere in the movie, I don't remember distinctly though, Akshaye Khanna, the hero, adopted a stance for which I have always had the highest regard, though the context is completely different. When asked to forget about Aishwarya Rai by his father, he says something like ... I will not disobey you, but if I am true to myself and if my love is true then she will come... and the same dialogue repeats many times, when Anil Kapoor confronts Akshaye Khanna, when Aishwarya Rai meets him and so on ... and the best part, is as expected, Aishwarya Rai reverts to Akshaye Khanna in the end.

The details of that love story are irrelevant and off the point, what I admired was this basic concept which Akshaye Khanna propounded...

"by changing myself, I can change the world. I cannot control the world, but can control myself...if I am honest and true to myself, the people and environment around have to respond"

This is in large measure the core of what Gandhiji also proposed and I've watched parts of Taal quite a few times later to just savour those scenes wherein Akshaye Khanna expresses this faith and sticks to it despite all odds and is finally validated.

The real world many a times atleast apparently doesn't function this way but I still like to hold fast to certain ideals and this is one of them ... I can change the world by changing myself ... it might take time but it has to happen ...

Sunday, March 27, 2005

And the period that I hate most has finally arrived...

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Hate exams of this kind that students normally have to undergo throughout their academic career.

Those three hours are not a reflection of my intelligence or understanding of the subject. It just shows how well I have put in that answer sheet what the examiner wants as answers to those questions in the limited time.

Have written many exams...done well in many...not done well in some...yet I think my aversion to exams is something which will stay all my life.

The exam system was created to measure abilities and understanding of the subject, now it just the other way round, understanding and ability of the subject is modified to maximise performance in exams. In this rat race for grades and CGs, we have forgotten that exams are an approximate, probably incorrect measure.

And that's fine since all around too people have forgotten the true purpose, either deliberately or inadvertantly. We celebrate those CGs, companies adore those CGs, peers hold those CGs in awe, professors give you tips to maximise those CGs...in fact for the last week, after that QAM thing happened, all that I've been trying to do is understand what the Prof. wants, otherwise however elegant your solution is, it's worth a big zero...and I can't help pity myself for what I've been doing.

Sometimes, I have considered giving up this system of education altogether, it is not worth the two decades of my effort. But now into my post-graduation degree, I have already adhered - albeit with a lot of loathing - to it for long enough.

Yet in my own way, wherever possible I've tried to reform this mess and that is what the aim will be throughout.

Whenever an interviewer starts with "Oh you must be highly intelligent, you've topped ICSE in 10th, 12th, topped College, won this scholarship, that fellowship etc. etc.",
my answer is the same:
"They are not be a reflection of my abilities, they just show that in that limited time, under those given conditions I was able to produce what the examiner wanted...that's all."
and the reason is the same for those so-called failures in certain exams.
...yet I cannot deny that sometimes I too get carried away.

Every system gets what it deserves; better or worse, the system will reject it, no matter how charismatic the way in which it is imposed.

We have embraced this exam system, we have no right to blame its products...

Saturday, March 26, 2005

But why do we celebrate festivals?

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But why do we celebrate the festival...
For the joy of community... gaiety's arrival,
Burial of old hatchets, embrace the rival,
Consecration of spirits, exaltation at survival.

Is that why we celebrate the festival...?

Aren't these the maxims that must inspire humdrum life as well,
Then why limit their practice to these festive occasions alone,
Can't we treat festival as life ... mundane life as a festival,
Every moment of living joyous riot, limited not to these festivities alone.

----------------------

Happy Holi!!!

Friday, March 25, 2005

You will be there for me, won't you?

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When lost in life's tenuous maze,
Alone, forelorn and defeated,
Gagged and blinded, confused in haze,
You will be there for me, won't you?

When subsumed in ignominy of failure,
Ostracized by men of the world,
Beyond all balm, beyond all cure,
You will be there for me, won't you?

When drained hollow by aspirations of life,
Enervated, enfeebled and effete,
Barren and infecund, only dissipation rife,
You will be there for me, won't you?

You will be there for me, won't you...
-
The person who truly loves you
loves you for your differences,
not inspite of them.
-
It's almost morning now ... the sun will rise by the time I reach my room from the CC... a night- out trying to figure out intricacies of SPSS and trying to make sense of that heap of questionnaires we've collected.

But for the joy of witnessing a sunrise any trouble is worth taking :-)

Thursday, March 24, 2005

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And they are being returned without any change.

Everybody silently acknowledges that the solutions are right, but nobody will stick his/her head out...it might rock the happy world to reality.

If those entrusted with setting examples are not willing to do so, can you trust that system?

Maybe many can...coz most want to become like those examples...my best of luck to them.

But a system created on hollow is bound to collapse...collapse it will.

But till it collapses completely many innocent within the system will suffer... who assuages them?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

To not to go to Switzerland!

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Got the invitation for the next World Mediation Forum conference...in all probability will not be able to attend it...anyway getting the invite feels good.

And come to think of it, that plenary speech at the APMF conference-2001 at University of South Australia, Adelaide...I wasn't even sure whether the travel plans would work out...and then the Steering Council membership...becoming it's secretary... etc. etc., it's been a long way...

http://www.unisa.edu.au/cmrg/apmf/committee.htm

Those eyes and the unspoken words they speak...

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Those eyes and the unspoken words they speak...

The strength of character within, yet the the humility without,
The ravages of unfair times yet hopes of the future sprout,
The depths of turmoil yet tranquility in those twin seas,
The will to tread on unfamiliar roads...fight on without the yielding please,

Those eyes and the unspoken words they speak...

The volition to stand up for values, damning consequences effete contemplate,
The intensity of love and tenderness...infinite patience to wait,
The endless inquisitiveness those twin universes can't help belie,
A constant craving...search for that unanswered why...

Those two eyes, what do they seek,
Unspoken words, to whom do they speak?

Island universes

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We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies -- all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.

--Aldous Huxley

If

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If you can see the negatives without being cynical,
And discern the positives without being sycophantic...

You'll be a Man, my son!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Why?

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Why, when trying to feel music do I discern noise?

Why, when trying to feel freshness do I smell rust?

Why, when trying to understand, do I only feel the superficiality of frameworks?

Why, when trying to note down pearls of wisdom in class, all that I end up jotting are structures professors adocate as right, without which those mark will not happen in the exams?

Why, when trying to study just for the joy of figuring things out, do I get trapped in the conundrum of marks?

Why, when trying to perceive the real in the class, all that I see is the make-up of reel talk?

Why does the laughter at those jokes originate at my lips and not my heart?

Why does the hollowness of it hit me deeper and deeper with every passing day?

Why can't I just look the other way and move on happily ahead like most others without caring a damn about what goes on around?

Why am I able to see through those superficial veneers of packaged people, events and situations?

Why don't I get an answer to my 'whys' ?



Sunday, March 20, 2005

Miles to go...

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When exhausted famished, labour even to think,
And sleep beckons thee to its luxuriated sink...

Yet miles remain to thy goal ahead,
On the road less travelled by...miles to tread,
Solitary, silent you walk ahead,
Solitary miles you silently tread,
The road your friend, the road your bed,
The road your love, the road your bread,

Miles gone by... miles ahead
Solitary miles you silently tread...

You are The Flow

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When the claw of Chance smashes you hollow,
And swathes of arbitrariness inescapably follow,
Attempts to browbeat you to the despaired wallow,
The innumerable indignities you quietly swallow...

Yet holding your head up higher after each blow,
Down the stream of resplendent glory you silently row,
To keep your date with yourself...that unspoken vow,
Lost in the flow...no my friend, You are The Flow.

fearless as the Gladiator

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I stand fearless as the Gladiator,
In the middle of the arena,
As beasts and fellow beings try to mangle me,
Crush me to pieces,
Body... body is all they can attack,
My spirit and soul fearless...

Fighting fearless at the centre of the Colosseum,
Fighting for dignity and truth,
Fighting my kind for my kind...

My spirit and soul fearless,
As a million claps reverbate,
And yet I hear none,
As a million cheers rant in the fragrant air,
And yet I hear none,
As a million cries of bravado reach their crescendo,
And yet I hear none...

As I fight fearless at the centre of the Colosseum,
Fighting for dignity and truth,
Fearless in body, mind and spirit...

What can I do but fight?

-
What can I do but fight...
Without a fear, Supressing the tear,
What can I do but fight...
Without an expectation, Ignoring all privation,
What can I do but fight...

That window of hope, holding on to that rope,

As I fight,
Fight for freedom of mine and my kind...

Freedom to be FREE...

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Ma,
I need Freedom,
To learn, love, laugh and cry,
To keep asking the unfathomable why,

Freedom from fear of failure and humdrum survival's anxiety,
Freedom from rules, laws and their incomprehensible variety,

Ma,
I need Freedom to be FREE...

Beyond the horizon

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Beyond the horizon,
Out there in the beautiful world,

There is hope, truth and honesty,
Liberty, equality and fairness,
Love, caring and peace,
Knowledge-seeking for joy, not subsistence,
And the purpose of existence has been fathomed...

Out there in my Utopia,
Beyond the horizon.
-
The transformation to the Gladiator... slowly but surely...

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Why do last benches get filled up first?

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Why is it that in classes, last benches get filled up first? It's not true only in certain schools or colleges or in certain countries. As Prof. Vaidyanathan was saying, across the world, from Wharton and Kellogg to IIMB and IIML, the scenario is the same.

And he had a nice explanation for it.

In cinema halls the last benches are craved for....in a cinema you don't identify yourself fully with what goes on on the screen; there is a certain distance between the reel and real and though sometimes you might be carried away, more often than not you're aware of it.
That's true of learning in these classes, you sit in the last benches beacuse, though once in a while you might get swayed, more often than not you know the difference between the 'reel' classes and 'real' life.

In a theatre, you always want to take up the first few rows. Traditionally, people have always identified with real people and their dramas and thus feel the connect, hence this desire to occupy the first few rows.

Was thinking about this....I think it is true...the disconnect between the reel and real keeps getting starker day after day and thus the fight for the last bench keeps getting more intense with every passing day.

Friday, March 18, 2005

A short swar-lipi composition in raag Kafi

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Teen-Taal ( ga and ni when used are komal)

sthayi

sa sa re re ga ga ma ma pa - - ma pa dha ni sa
ni dha pa ma ga ga re re re pa ma pa ma ga re sa
sa sa re re ga ga ma ma pa - - ma pa dha ni sa

antara

ma ma pa dha ni ni sa - re ga re sa ni dha ni -
dha dha pa pa pa dha pa ma pa - - ma pa dha ni sa
ni dha pa ma ga ga re re re pa ma pa ma ga re sa

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Coming back to life...comment option is back

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...coming back to life or whatever this is gradually, atleast externally...

but the equation has undergone change to reflect the experience of last few days...

and we are asking for something we deserve, it's there in b&w for anyone to see...

anyways...

The comment option is now back again...

When?

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When can I start learning for the sake of learning,
Unhampered by the framework of marks,

Reading for the joy of knowledge,
Unhindered by con-grading sharks,

Maths for the sheer poetry in it,
Free from score-crazy barks,

Living for the fun of figuring things out,
...fighting fear of the darks.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

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If you stick your head out, it might be get cut,
but that's the only way to feel the free fresh air.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Comment option removed

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Am removing the comment option...they are not required in the current context...will put it back maybe sometime in the future.

It's difficult for anybody else to understand what's going on in within me currently and I understand and appreciate that.
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And I am told that it hardly matters, he is known for such arbitness, my scores will hardly suffer...

But that's not the point...I will have continue for another year in a system which I cannot trust...
Everything will become hollow if I cannot trust...hollow, pure hollow, those jokes, those classes, those marks, those placements, those everything...all hollow...
-
Till yesterday, could not imagine, even in dreams, that I could be staring at D or F in a favourite subject like QAM where my understanding is so clear; that too for the most arbit of reasons (writing on the random no. sheet, drawing the the table once instead of drawing it twice etc.) ...yet today I am there.

When other batch mates were facing this arbitrariness earlier did not do much beyond signing a few petitions...should have shouted out right then...but it didn't affect me enough I guess and over here this inner thing has been fighting a battle for survival. Anyway....

Will fight this thing out till its logical end, maybe it'll make no difference, but atleast some people will know and I'll have answered my conscience.


Pastor Martin Niemöller, Nazi victim

They came for the communists, and I did not speak up because I wasn't a communist;

They came for the socialists, and I did not speak up because I was not a socialist;

They came for the union leaders, and I did not speak up because I wasn't a union leader;

They came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak up for me ....
-
I got a 5 ; everyhting is right (what was there to do in that quiz problem anyway).
Just that I did all the calculations on the Random Number sheet and wrote the final answer on the sheet. Am staring at a D or F probably (in QAM of all subjects)

Am tired of this place.

All alone in this system...what do I fight, how do I fight and how long...I'm losing faith in the system.

Want to leave... but have nowhere to go.

Thu hain yaheen...

-
Thu hai khayalon mein,
Yaadon mein baaton mein,
Gum hai kaheen,
Par thu hai yaheen...

Shabnami raaton mein,
Hardam ki baaton mein,
Gum hai kaheen,
Par thu hain yaheen...

Monday, March 14, 2005

Together

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When lost in uncertainty immense, cannot a mask of certainty wear,
When steeped in doubt I, cannot a visage of reassurane bear,
When certain of the vicissitudes about, cannot answer a sanguine prayer,
When blinded by the darkness ahead, leading thee my friend...cannot dare.

Yet in uncertain certainties of endless moments,
Together the road shall we find,
Clear the chapparal together,
Together in this ceaseless grind,
One in spirit, one at heart,
Fighting the darkness around...a beacon to 'certain' blind.

When aspire a dream you may not achieve

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When aspire a dream you may not achieve
Infinite moments, their uncertain weave,

Risking all...hopes...that bed of ease,
Perennial struggle...the time-cease,
Yet no waver, never a please,
Infinite happiness, absolute peace,
Struggle perennial yet infinite bliss,

Infinite moments, their uncertain weave,
When aspire a dream you may not achieve.

Only poetry, no writing :-)

-
-
-
DAY AFTER DAY...

Looking on...as the world goes its way,
Hordes dancing in indefatigueable sway,
The infinite games of the infinite play,
Hour after after hour, day after day.

Amazed...perplexed I wonder away,
What be the purpose, this infinite play,
Aeons in the past, aeons still to decay,
Hour after hour, day after day.

Why this living, why this sway,
Infinite aspirations, yet co-ordinated play,
Lucky, call myself if I may,
To look on as the world goes its way,
Hour after hour, day after day.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Time for a break

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Will take a break from writing the blog...

Time for introspection and understanding...

Couldn't feel the flame for sometime today, it needs to burn steady.

Another hour and a half of sunshine, have a cycle with me, will venture into the villages on the other side today...need to breathe freely...

tata

Who do you really love?

-
In these times of departure and parting, all hell breaks loose in Cupid's department :-),
come to the hostels and you'd know.

A little dramatisation to enhance the effect but no further details will be divulged :-).

ABC: Yaar, we've got placed in different cities, I dunno what to do.

Yours sincerely (YS) : Kyon?

ABC: I can't imagine staying without her.

YS: Why?

ABC: C'mon yaar, you know how much I love her... without her I'd be depressed and dead. I need to see her everyday to be in my proper frame of mind.

YS : Sorry, by what you say, you love yourself, you are worried about how sad you will be, and about your frame of mind...that is not love for her, that's loving yourself.

(Poor guy's confused and YS takes this opportunity to attack further)

Find the girl you like just for her sake...if this is that girl fine, otherwise you might want to think again...because that's your true love.

(Poor guy is perplexed and perturbed, surely cursing YS in his mind. The no. of hate-lists on which YS exists has gone up by one)

-----------------------------

Soona ahsaas hai,
Iss dil ki aas hai,
Theri thalaash hai,
Kahaan hai thu?

:-)

Batch Meetings the batch misses at its own peril!!!

-
Does junta even realise the full implications of this Mark-electives funda. The person interested in a full mark specialisation does not get beyond six elecs.

And those interested in a Mark-minor, they have no chance;
OR these people who would've done a Mark minor earlier will now clog up the arteries by taking more electives than they would've taken otherwise.

And nobody is a fool...

The problem is when important issues are discussed, very few are there to contribute (or those who are there will get swayed by emotions rather than use logic to understand the full implications)
We could've actually vetoed the stuff (as the prez was saying) if there were enough people attending.
As Akshay says, if it were the insti-party, attendance would be 100% but then this is academics related...

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Dr. Jalan's address

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Dr. Bimal Jalan was the chief guest at the convocation today. Nice structured speech...let me summarise the key points I gathered before I forget...

Three pillars which decide where a country stands in the comity of nations:
1. Politics
2. Governance and Administration
3. Economics

India has had great politicians, a bureaucratic structure which was the envy of many at the time of its inception, and some very great economists. Yet as a nation we seem to be constantly postponing our tryst with greatness. Why?

Economics:
We look at new pradigms through old frameworks. There is a significant minority whose interests the old framework serves, this significant minority promotes and ensures this blinkered vision. Recognize the deadweight of past thinking.

Politics:
Three critical issues to ponder:
1. Constitutional framers not visualisisng the the power and significance of small parties (virtual king maker/breaker currently)

2.Role of Parliament/Legislature:
Last year's budget passed without debate, is this episodic? Do the common citizens even care.
Are we true to the pricniple of "No taxation without representation"

3. Erosion of collective responsibility

Governance/Administration:
1.Clogging of administrative arteries
2. Corrution

Seven suggestions that Dr. Jalan said need reflection:

1. Keep Political authority and civil services at arm's length: We are no longer in Nehru's era when the civil services were conceived.

2. Trust the Citizens: Self-certification

3. Public services need to be outsourced: Govt owns and monitors facilities, the best in the industry delivers

4. The right to information

5. Reform working of Parliament/Legislatures

6. Reform working of Judiciary

7. Draw a line for tolerance of corruption.

His exhortation:

Don't become somnolent with complacency about our future.

Nobody can prevent us from moving ahead because we have immense innate talent.

In an open participative democracy, change can be delayed but not denied.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This looks more like my class-notes and now you know why I get the scores I get :-)

Dekhta hoon apne aap ko

-
Har roz uthke dekhta hoon apne aap ko,
Dekhta hoon apna shakal aaine mein,

Ki kahin iss din raat ke bhaag dour mein,
Iss aage badhne ki chhahat mein,

Mera rooh kahin peechhe tho na rah gaya.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Says it all

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That shake-of-hand says it all,
Says it all that beaming smile,
That soft pat-on-the-back says it all,
Says it all those misty eyes.

My Child the long awaited day has finally come,
To hand over the baton to the chosen few,
The start of a new life for that handful some,
Leading the world to horizons anew.

Don't forget her Song

-
Senior batch's convocation is tomorrow.

From an earlier post
http://ayanbhattacharya.blogspot.com/2005/03/5-days-of-respite-but-lots-to-do.html

The occasion is more appropriate now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*********************************************************************

DON'T FORGET HER SONG

My lady has been decked up to send off her children,
Children that she's fended for two years long,
The time to bid adieu has finally arrived,
Succeed in thy endeavours...don't forget her song.

Into the wild wide world, she bids them off,
From the ensconced beauty of her environ so charming,
With the placement they desire, the company they crave,
The delight in their eyes, my lady's heart warming.

Those scared faces she saw, first at the invocation,
And couldn't but help give them her love unbounded,
And finally it's time for the final convocation,
But only adieus and byes remain to be sounded.

Don't forget her love, don't forget her song,
Don't forget her unselfish longing for thee.
Don't forget her song, don't forget her love,
In your success and glory will her salvation be.


*****************************************************************
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Don't become a prisoner of your visiting card/curriculum-vitae.
-
In trying to keep up with genius you sometimes fall below mediocre.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Gender inequality eh!

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Was talking to an old friend (lady) today, two of them shared a flat in Mumbai, working at a big s/w firm and she said that the other had returned to B'lore (with an inferior job) , since they were looking for a groom for her groom in B'lore and she was herself planning a move on the same lines. Another friend (a lady as well) too had been trying to get a transfer to Hyderabad in any possible vacancy because of the same reason. And both these moves were voluntary.

Two guys in that group of friends I have in Mumbai had also moved out, but since the career prospects were better.

And I was back to pondering over that old question, who's responsible this so called gender inequality that many politicians (women especially) never tire from highlighting.

Every so often I am amazed to see the lady set barriers for herself trying to fulfill a norm which does not exist. Seeing marriage as a milestone she will voluntarily abdicate a large portion of what she's made of her life till then. Many will become willing homemakers ... what a prodigious waste of talent. And there is hardly any compulsion on ladies from this class. Why can't she think like an equal...and all those imaginary boundaries will either crash or atleast she will fight to bring them down. And I'm talking about the segment where I mix, all with the best of education and brains, earning 5 figure salaries, travelled far and wide.

And what is this inequality? Treating someone as special is as much inequality, as is treating as an inferior. Reserving seats for the them in buses and trains, special queues at railway stations or reserving constituencies for them in Parliament makes them special but not equal. Why, special recruitment policies to ensure gender equality is as much a slight on their abilities as not recruiting them?

And many of them would argue that this is the best road to their abilities getting recognized and reservations will lead, in the long run, to equality.
(don't think there's any lady reading this blog or there's a possibility that I'd receive a hammering again, they have that weapon, I am a lady, you're a man...what do you know of all this :-)).

But can't help recall an experience in Jena, Germany where I had been for a conference two years back. Jena is in former East-Germany and the invitees included among others, many brilliant students from those parts (both west and east). The dividing line was subtle but palpable. The East Germans felt that the West thought they were a burden that the West-Germans had to bear because of integration...they had received free gifts, they had received special grants for upliftment, how could it be otherwise? Many wouldn't go to the west for their further study (they's go to US rather) for they wouldn't be a burden, a recipient of some special grants given to some Eastern students. Go to Checkpoint Charlie and you'll feel it if you keep talking to people in the shops as you cross the now-largely ornamental border.

The point is if they are not good enough, let them be 'not good enough', don't change it to create equality artificially through reservation, superficially you might create equality for the whole wide world to praise, but deep down in the mind they think they don't deserve it (when probably they do).

It's the same for all kinds of discrimination. The fire has to start within, and that fire will last longest which burns without external fuel. And that is why I feel scared for Afghanistan or Iraq.

Anway I seem to be moving beyond the point I initially set out to write...

I've faced flak many a times for not treating girls specially, for not being chivalrous etc. etc.

But that's my point, if I treat her specially, she's no longer my equal, it is no different from treating her inferiorly. But listening to tales like this (the talk with old friends mentioned earlier in the post), I sometimes actually wonder whether they themselves want this special treatment, this badge of camouflaged inferiority.

Pishi had done her doctorate in those days when ladies in Kolkata hardly left home. But I've heard relatives quote Pishomoshai (himself a great educationist) say....(a rough translation from bangla to english)... Only 5 % girls will think like Indira Gandhi or Marie Curie, the rest will think the same whether they are Class X pass or PhDs.

Always believed this was nonsense, but sometimes when I hear such tales, can't help wonder...

I cry

-
I cry because I cannot understand...

Cannot understand
The apparent difference in virtue and vice,
And where just a glib smile will suffice,

Nuanced distinctions of ignorance and wise,
Where smooth talk and faked assurance look nice,

I cry because I cannot understand...

Cannot understand
Laboured differences in lie and truth,
Garrulous words and fancy wounds they soothe,

Flaunting ambitions on foundations of hollow,
Leaders empty within but zillion sycophants who follow,

I cry because I cannot understand...

Cannot understand
Superficial flirting for but a moment's bliss,
Fleeting acquaintances of convenience, true camaraderie amiss,

Constant haranguing gifted for honesty and candour,
Yet towers of inexactitude, their hyperbole and grandeur,

I cry because I cannot understand...cannot understand...cannot understand...

But this cloak of oblivion I can no longer wear,
This yoke of ignorance I can no longer bear,
This fabric of fake with bare nails I will tear,
Will bring forth those true gems...those true...those rare.
-
Redundancy is the mother of all wastes.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

can't help feel the anxiety

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Can't help feel the anxiety and agony of friends still alive - the euphemism they use.

Once the mind breaks down, nothing more matters, and this collapse depends less on one's own performance and more on the relative performance.

Know it's not logical ... this shouldn't be, but stand with those crumpling friends out there and the flush of pure human empathy momentarily numbs those logical alcoves.

Two years of learning, all reduced to a display of skill in 5 minutes, in a process often so arbitrary.

zindagi ka daman

-
Zindagi ke is daman mein,
kuchh nagme, kuchh hazratein,
kuchh gam or do pal ki khushiyan.

Par har wakht wo ahsaas ki samay beeththa ja raha hain,
beeththa ja raha hain...

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

at last!

-
Have worked out almost all the proofs which I wanted to and it's no longer hocus pocus, or an out of the blue end-solution from the computer :-).

But bet your money on this:

If there's ever any test on anything related to this, I'll still be in a quandary tying to derive the proofs (when the question will be based on some end result trick) or understanding the notation... or some other trivial thing which will wreck the entire thing though I'd know all and more than what is required.

Wish I could study ONLY for the exam (and I'm happy that I can't :-))

tata and goodnight.

aaaahhhhh!!!!

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Read at your own peril: This is just me talking to myself when my brain isn't working and things aren't going right...thought I'll type it to myself this time for my records.

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Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh....can't, can't, can't be......sorry can't be aaahhhh!

If they can do it, so can I, I don't care I don't know beta and gamma functions, i can figure it out, i have a brain don't I, nope sir I will not go on this way, I'm gonna figure it all out, it HAS TO BECOME CLEAR, THE FUNCTIONS HAVE TO START TALKING TO ME or I won't talk to anyone else.

Nope, will not move from this seat till I've solved it all.

I'm becoming a machine master at just interpreting some machine calculated values ah ah ah ah...where's my brain power gone????
and I claim to love Maths, I'm a shame on myself!!!@!!!!!

damn me!~!!#!!

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Check http://ocw.mit.edu/OcwWeb/Mathematics/18-443Fall2003/LectureNotes/index.htm
to get a sample of some problems I'm trying to solve (with almost zilch real knowledge or understanding of the topic, as usual, the foolhardy me :-)).

Monday, March 07, 2005

excerpt from Feynman's speech to the National Academy of Sciences, 1955

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For instance, I stand at the seashore, alone, and start to think:

There are the rushing waves mountains of molecules each stupidly minding its own business trillions apart yet forming white surf in unison.

Ages on ages
before any eyes could see
year after year
thunderously pounding the shore as now.

For whom, for what?
On a dead planet
with no life to entertain.

Never at rest, tortured by energy
wasted prodigiously by the sun
poured into space.

A mite makes the sea roar.

Deep in the sea
all molecules repeat
the patterns of one another
till complex new ones are formed.

They make others like themselves
and a new dance starts.

Growing in size and complexity,
living things,masses of atoms,
DNA, protein,
dancing a pattern ever more intricate,
out of the cradle,
onto dry land,
here It is standing:

atoms with consciousness;
matter with curiosity.
Stands at the sea,
wonders at wondering:

I,
a universe of atoms,
an atom in the universe.

free as a flying bird

-
Far above the ground beneath,
free...free as a flying bird.

Beyond the earshot of wails and cries,
free...free as a flying bird.

Higher than wavering, flickering aspirations,
free...free as a flying bird.

Where prejudice and ego no longer matter,
free...free as a flying bird.

Free...free as a flying bird...

Yet the gravitation of love will not let her free...

How free
is free as a flying bird?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

two English ladies I've given my heart to!

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Two ladies I can't live without in the English language (caught ya :-)) :

1. "Why" : Without you my sweetheart, I'd die of ignorance and boredom.

2. "I don't know": Without you my darling, I'd never understand and know.

Stay true to me for life, my loves, and I'll mortgage my heart with you forever and ever and ever...

:-)

Saturday, March 05, 2005

5 days of respite but lots to do...

-
First a good news, I'm able to now log in to the Melton Foundation portal (http://www.meltonfoundation.org/mainsite/portada.html)
again, so I'm back on that international network.

Five days of respite from routine stuff but lots of 'other' stuff to do in them...

Have to finish that number-theory paper that I've been postponing for months now, the abstract and all those notations and typesetting in the format required - it's a pain to do it without latex.
Missed the IT-conf. in San Francisco but got to finish the stuff required for the China conference. (and hope these ppl let me off and I get the visa and other routine stuff reqd. to attend it, and with all this attendance hungama here...!)
Some other essential non-course readings that have been postponed for quite sometime needs to be done...and of course there is some regular stuff as well.

Have to take a short-break from blog writing (don't trust me though :-)).

The campus is all decked up for the placements and though I'm against sprucing up for special occasions,

(went to the HLL interview without the tie, was forced to wear it by the liaisons, but took permission of the interviewer to remove it...or was it that she herself asked me to be more comfortable, kind hearted lady....don't remember exactly :-)).

the campus looks beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*********************************************************************

My lady has been decked up to send off her children,
Children that she's fended for two years long,
The time to bid adieu has finally arrived,
Succeed in thy endeavours...don't forget her song.

Into the wild wide world, she bids them off,
From the ensconced beauty of her environ so charming,
With the placement they desire, the company they crave,
The delight in their eyes, my lady's heart warming.

Those scared faces she saw, first at the invocation,
And couldn't but help give them her love unbounded,
And finally it's time for the final convocation,
But only adieus and byes remain to be sounded.

Don't forget her love, don't forget her song,
Don't forget her unselfish longing for thee.
Don't forget her song, don't forget her love,
In your success and glory will her salvation be.


*****************************************************************
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-
-
-
Those fleeting moments...poetry on the canvas of time...

To clear up an apparent contradiction

-
Lately, I seem to be ranting a lot about ethics while many times in many forums I have openly questioned the sanctity of ethics.
Are the two positions contradictory?
Let me try and clarify...

Whenever I find ethics advocated as something ordained by a big boss sitting in heaven, pre-meditated and pre-decided, I oppose it. Whenever the argument of ethics is forwarded on the basis of incomplete information and probabilistic hearsay, I oppose it. Whenever ethics becomes a millstone, taking away my right to doubt or question, I oppose it...

Because, one needs to explore to advance. To know what is right, one needs to know what is wrong. To move ahead in the real sense, one needs to doubt, to question...

Ethics which flows out of logic is the ethics I try to follow. It cannot be summarised by any simplistic parable. It is not static, but constantly evolving according to the situation and becomes logically apparent on a complete understanding of the variables of the circumstance.

And that is why many a times I'm ethically confused, since I don't have enough information or a clear understanding about the circumstance at hand. And that's the reason sometimes I change my position when new information with regards to the circumstance comes to light.

The Bane of our Current Method of Perception

-
Ok, while my class slogs (really :-)) at the quiz, I have nothing to do...why not complete the article...

----
The Bane of our Current Method of Perception
-
Humans have been conditioned, right since birth, to perceive in patterns. That is, an immediate movement in our thinking faculty, when in contact with a new reality, from the specific to the general. In other words, an immediate classification of the new reality into an already established and previously well-known genus. For instance, on perceiving a moving four-legged object, we would immediately, almost involuntarily, classify it an animal. This has been the method of learning we have been conditioned to over generations, so much so that it is now an instinct in most of us. And instincts are rarely analysed, they are assumed to be the inviolable premises of thought.

What then are the consequences of this instinct we have cultivated over generations, this tendency to think of and classify the new in terms of the old, established, general and known. The most important consequence is obvious...we have lost the ability to recognize anything new. The four-legged object in the previous instance could have been a robot from another galaxy, yet to us it would be an animal. The power to perceive something original as such is lost; the original is original relative or compared to a copy. This is our current thought and this is the result of centuries of science and philosophy.

The movement of evolution, on the other hand, occurs through the perception of the new. The better we evolve into the new and suitable, the better our chances for success. The contradiction, in this principle of evolution and our system of learning as detailed above, is apparent. In fact, evolution as we have come to recognise it, through small mutations, arises due to this deficiency in human perception.

"Since we recognize new reality only in small steps, we evolve in miniscule steps. Evolution through minor mutations is thus a result of our deficiency of perception, our tendency to classify specific new in terms of the perceived general."

An example will be apt for the conclusion. Let us take the case of evolution of the monkey into the human at its current stage of evolution (i.e. the human being in 2005). According to the above theory, the monkey cannot evolve directly into "the human being of 2005" because it cannot in one step perceive this new reality. The monkey can perceive only in stages. It will probably first classify the human being into an animal, then recognize a few superiorities of humans over animals, say our physiological superiority like the erect spine; the next step would be to recognize another set of evolutionary superiorities ...and so on, each such recognition would take thousands of years. Thus, this slow movement of evolution is a result of this wrong method of perception of the monkey, this incapability to perceive the new reality immediately.

And the great irony in life is that we exert our entire lifetime in perfecting within ourselves, this imperfect mode of learning, so that in the next generation, it becomes an even stronger instinct.

Sorry, can't write those rigged quizzes

-
Sorry, can't write those rigged quizzes; where the question paper is leaked in advance.
Had to first make sure that it was the same paper, then the only option was to submit a blank answer sheet. Why can't he make different papers for different sections? Somehow controlled myself from telling him what was happening (and why Sec-B always gets higher mks than Sec-A)

Of course, people will say I should have turned a blind eye and concentrated on doing my paper sincerely and for this foolish stunt my marks will unnecessarily suffer;
Sorry,
as long as it is in my hands, I will neither indulge nor be associated with anything which I consider unethical;
and marks, I've given up on that non-sensical concept a long time back :-).

As long as it is in my hands...

Friday, March 04, 2005

Personal friendship with bloggers whose blogs I read...

-
It's been in and out of my head, so let me put it down, this has always been a tricky issue for me.


Reading somebody's "honest" blog gives an insight about an individual which few other mediums can. Most of the time the blogs I read are of people I do not or cannot know personally, not that I select them on that criterion but just that I'm generally lucky on this count. But every once in a while, there is a friend whose blog I suddenly discover, or there is a blogger with whom, due to new circumstances, I'm face to face everyday.

This creates a peculiar situation for me.

First, a mundane problem in the second scenario - I honestly do not know what to talk to that individual. Most friendships start formally with the "hi, hello" stuff till it progresses to deeper levels. But in this case, even without saying hi once I know quite a lot about the the individual, so starting with that formal stuff becomes very hypocritical atleast to me while I just don't know the individual personally enough to talk anything else.

One thing which I make sure is that the individual somehow knows that I read his/her blog (especially those blogs where I don't comment; in fact I've written comments on many blogs just as a way of informing that I'm a reader of the blog.)

Secondly, and more importantly for me, I run into a moral confusion. Even though information on an individual's blog is in the public domain, very few actually read blogs, so more often than not you have some special understanding about the blogger, which most others do not. But morally, are you justified in using whatever insight you might possess till the means is in public knowledge. (Wouldn't you be like those immoral analysts who exploit insider info or analysis info instead of making the knowledge public or helping the markets?)

So how do I respond to this?

I either reduce my friendship with the individual to the most formal; lesser the interaction, lesser is the probability of use/misuse of any insight I might have gained through reading of the blog.
or
I stop reading his/her blog completely.
It is always a difficult choice when I desire friendship with the person both as a blogger and as a person; I have sometimes foresaken many prospective great friendships for this reason; in other cases the joy of reading those rare pieces of brilliant blog writing.

And sometimes this has led to the most ridiculous and awkward situations for me, when one fine morning I have a completely different perspective of an acquaintance and have nothing to talk to him/her, or some similar queer thing.

It is just that when you're good personal friends with a person, reading or responding on blogs becomes either superficial or sycophantic or otherwise flows into the personal relationship with him/her affecting it, which you don't want to happen.
But if the communication doesn't flow into the personal friendship, the personal friendship itself becomes hollow.

As usual, I don't have an optimal solution to this confusion, probably I think too much...

I know I'm sounding wierd, but for people who've faced these situations (or those (prospective) friends of mine) , I'm sure they would know what I'm talking about.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

great sites

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Till I get over my lethargy and find time to create my homepage, I'll keep updating this post as a comprehensive listing of great sites which I come across from time to time:

1. Collected works of Fisher, the great statistician, includes all his papers

http://www.library.adelaide.edu.au/digitised/fisher/index.html

2. Universal Library: a great online library hosted by CMU

http://www.ul.cs.cmu.edu/html/

3. Good maths resource page:

http://archives.math.utk.edu/tutorials.html

4. Scholarships page

http://www.educationobserver.com/scholarship/General_scholarships.htm

5. Oxford Centre for Industrial and Applied mathematics - PhD page

http://www.maths.ox.ac.uk/ociam/admissions/dphil.shtml

Pandal and Durga Pujo

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The convocation pandal is being constructed on campus.

Pandals mean Durga Pujo to me :-).
Those evenings for rehearsals in Keyes High School, going to the pandal in the Fiat gadi, practicing for the children's drama in the quadrangle which baba would be directing, then waiting till baba and ma finished their rehearsals. And every once in a few days, dinner at Kamat or Nanking. And more often than not some class test coinciding with a rehearsal, the debate in badi on whether we should go or not...why the Fiat breakdowns on the road and ma's worry :-).
Pujo in Hyderabad is magical!!!

One thing about the convocation pandal, the creation of curves out of multiple straight beams, that looks good.

Risk

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To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live.

Only a person who risks is free.
-
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so."

- Bertrand Russell

"If I could prove by logic that you would die in five minutes, I should be sorry you were going to die, but my sorrow would be very much mitigated by pleasure in the proof."

- G.H. Hardy to Bertrand Russell
-
silence

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

-
Speak up when required or hold your breath forever.

The BRINK

-
Ok, it's back to that favourite old riddle of mine.

I shall do what I shall do irrespective of what anybody else thinks or says. What do I care what other people think.

Take it to the logical extreme, I'm living in "my" own disconnected world and I'm dead for others and all others are dead for me...
...I had tried that...that's the brink...

Yet,....yet...

yet there must be a more optimal solution, has to be...
and I'm still searching....

'papa' Feynman's quote to buttress my sense of utter frustration at these 'names'

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"You can know the name of a bird in all the languages of the world, but when you're finished, you'll know absolutely nothing whatever about the bird... So let's look at the bird and see what it's doing -- that's what counts. I learned very early the difference between knowing the name of something and knowing something."

- R. P. Feynman

That's the state with most of these ppl, experts at names of birds, big zero at what it is actually; and sadly, they test your bird-name skills in the exams!!!

hate these 'terms'

-
Looks like all my time will go off in trying to figure out what they 'call the things' - 'the terms' and 'names' in the various languages that they devise
rather than in understanding the actual thing.

How does it even matter if I say I've rejected a test instead of whatever significance from zero term or whatever; and most of the study time and brain space goes off in trying to keep up with these useless terms and notations.

That's a horrible waste of time...as long as I understand the thing,

SORRY, I don't care about those notations.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Do I take you public?

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No blogo-baby, I'm not gonna list you on the bourses yet.

Of course I'm not gonna hold back info about you, but listing on the "friends" stock exchange, sorry.

You're not a publicly held message forum, you're a privately owned blogo-baby.

Besides, your owner has intellectual equity to keep running you profitably forever.

So right now, deliberate external debt or equity infusion is ruled out.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Yo baby, I'm learning fin, am I not :-) !!!

What do I love most?

-
That which I do not understand; in grappling with it and finally grasping it lies the fun.

That's why life hasn't become dull yet; don't still understand it fully and decoding it is a great thrill.

Danger: My definition of understanding, most often, doesn't match with the global ;-) definition

20 yrs OR 20 X (1 yr)

-
How many years' of experience do you have?

Twenty years'
or
twenty X (One Years')

That makes all the difference...